My Confidate

Chapter 20

"How do I say
I miss you
In a way that your
Heart aches as much as mine"

My breath hitched as her words came to an end. My eyes clouded as I watched her stay mum after letting the words off her head. The words that were so much more than just that. They were a decision. One that left me in complete silence. Half of it because of the shock and the other half because of the wrenching pain in my chest. It felt as if someone had dogged through the skin, taken it out and squeezed it in their hand until it was left complete empty. Empty and ripped apart. "This decision can not only be yours Shehnaaz" I muster meeting her eyes whilst letting my hands clench the ends of my shirt.

S - "Kyun? Tab tera tha... ab mera kyun nhi ho skta."

"I won't let you make the same mistake I did and put what we could have at stake. Maana ki maine nhi kiya kuch, I didn't show you what I want but only because you told me to stay away. To leave without contact. Vaise hi jaise main gya tha... lekin ab, im not listening to a word you say. You are not going to just cut me off-" I state feeling my eyes burn as the tears flowed in, the feeling of the same I'd gotten much to accustomed to. "Im also not going to let you hold me back. Hogya ab. We need to move on Sidharth. The more we hold on to memories of the past thinking that were holding on to ourselves however all we're doing is holding ourselves back from creating ourselves. From living out the full potential of the life we have before us. I don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting for when you will decide its the right time to show up and take what's been waiting to be claimed." She murmured, her stance all but clouded by the mist of anger or love. If anything it was clouded by reality. Reality that the both of us had been somewhere avoiding for the past couple years.

"But you don't need to wait anymore" I whispered grabbing her hand against the table as she started to get up, the ignorance collected on her face almost mocking the indefinite pain I was currently feeling. "I stopped believing just words a long time ago Sidharth. Efforts are always superior to promises. " She spoke, getting out of her seat, tugging at the hand I still held. I bit back the inside of my lip, sucking in a deep breath as I felt tears slipping down my cheek. The presence of the people around me not mattering as much as it did just a few minutes ago. The gazes and stares almost nonexistent. "Let me make this work... Please?"

She let her eyes meet mine for a mere second, captivating my mind as she loosened out her hand from my hold, walking out the exit with the slightest of a look. I gulped, sighing as I hastily walked out of the cafe, the cries I myself had yet to face trailing up my throat.

"One more" I slurred, swinging back against the nonexistent back of the chair, chuckling as I fell back. The notice of just how empty my life was to be once more brought to notice. The feeling of falling unknowingly perhaps the closest to the feeling of watching her leave. The gut wrenching feeling leaving all of my insides at the brink bursting out and yet I couldn't help but want to fall into it deeper. To let myself be coated with the wrong of decisions I'd made. To ensure I knew well that all of this could've been different. Could've been avoided if only I'd wanted so strongly enough.

I let the clink of ice take away the train of thoughts, the bustling crowd and blaring music back in picture. Sitting forward I leaned against the counter, feeling the cold of the refill I was just granted.

"Bhai?!"

I looked back, smiling at the bewildered face of the last of my friends. The look of concern almost outdated. "Aapko pta bhi hai ghar pe sab jitne pareshaan hai? You've been gone since this morning!"

"They're used to it" I stated focusing back on my drink. The sound of him stepping away with a sigh let the defeatedness crawl back up my gut, shaking the remains of the composure I had left in me. "Aap kr kya rahe ho yahan? You left for the cafe.... Yaha toh Aisa kuch bhi nhi hai"

"She left" I snickered, pasting a smile against my lips as I looked up at him. The change in his eyes leaving behind a sense of sympathy. One I wanted to be as far away as I could from. The feeling of somebody caring enough to be saddened by something that concerned me anything but helpful knowing I'd lost the one at the top of the list. "Yeh chhodo... bahar Chalo aap pehle" he uttered, the strictness in his tone completely gone. I shook my head taking the last of what was left of my drink.

"I tried stopping her Aditya.. but she left. She ended everything. Number bhi block krdiya usne mera.... 7 saal mein jo ek baar bhi nhi hua, Usse woh krne pe sirf ek hafte mein majboor krdiya maine. Jo glti tab krri thi woh dobara fir se krdi. I left her at the slightest of an ask. I made no efforts to even talk to her before she called herself. Bas door se dekh kr aa gya. Vaise hi jaise tab aa gya tha."

"Though you won't understand any of what I'm saying but I can't help but not. Sometimes when things just happen to you...They just happen. You can't help it. But it's what you do next that counts. Not what happens, but what you decide to do about it. Aur agar yeh aapka decision hai na bhai to you deserve it. Yaha bar mein baithne ki jagah agar tab hi uske piche chale jaate toh kya ho jata? You should've gone behind her, stopped her and kept her close. Gussa hoti, Shayad kuch der baat nhi krti lekin in the end all of that would be let out and the two of you would have been sober enough of the past to decide what was next." Aditya mumbled moving to stand where he was in my outlying view.

Si - "She said she wanted nothing to do with me. She didn't want to lose the dream of what a second chance at us would've been like."

A - "That in itself was your second chance Sidharth. She wanted to see what you would do after knowing what was going on in her mind and yet again you proved her wanting to distance herself because you failed in showing her that you needed her to stay."

"Tu nhi jaanta usse.... Usne decide kr liya tha. No matter what I did she would've still left." I slurred getting off my chair, tripping over myself as I crossed to the ledge he stood against. "Mujhe mere haal pe chhod de Adi. Ill go home tomorrow... Abhi nhi jaa paunga main" I stated wobbling as I moved off of the step. Moving into the dark, dimly lit exit. "Bhai please?!" I heard him call out behind me. The call nothing but a mere sound in the background, fairly louder than the songs.