My Confidate

Chapter 17

"Udaas Hoon Par Tujhse Naraz Nahi..
Tere Dil Mein Hoon Par Tere Pass Nahi.. Waise To Sab Kuch Hain Mere Pass..
Par Tere Jaisa Koi Khaas Nhi"

I stop the car before her building, watching silently as she got out of the car, not turning back to glance even once. The desire to call out to her, to cage her between my arms and deny letting go at the highest it'd been all night. But the chance to do so was something I'd lost long back. 7 years to be exact. I'd been stupid enough to walk away and distance myself despite the knowledge of just how hurt she too would be. The facts I'd known and she'd not letting her end dip further. Letting out a soft sigh I watched as she disappeared around the corner. The playing radio seemed to have fill in place of the constraint feelings to mock me. The volume was low, almost silent but the silence filling the surroundings made it seem as if it was blaringly loud. The song stretching that further.

"Tu wahaan hai main yahaan
Kyun saath hum nahin
Tere mere darmiyaan hain baatein ankahi
Tu wahaan hai main yahaan
Kyun saath hum nahin
Faisley jo kiye
Faasley hi mile
Raahein judaa kyun ho gayi
Na tu ghalat, na main sahi
Le ja mujhe saath tere
Mujhko na rehna saath mere
Le ja mujhe saath tere
Mujhko na rehna saath mere"

I eye the empty walkway, reversing back onto the road with the volume strung a notch higher, letting the open night hear the exact feelings filled within me. Letting the car come to an abrupt stop minutes later I let out the sob I'd been holding back, letting the restrains of my throat open as the light of the dawn took it in. I looked into the distance, watching the sea we'd stood at before. The waves crashing against each other the same way our feelings did. The same way we did, one stronger than the other and then the opposite. The way they'd merge into a pool of one right after the same type of hope she'd left me with. Infinite and undecided. The deep dark contrasting against the calm reflective blue. The thought of what she'd said never happening leaving my heart far more than shattered. The mere thought of the uncertainty of her coming back anytime soon horrific enough to make my belief weaken. To make me forget the same rules of the universe she herself had taught me once. To make me doubt the same belief she'd once instilled so deep in me that I'd forgotten I'd once lived without it. She'd once believed we were destined to meet, to stay together to be each others "person". The person that stuck around through everything and yet we were left broken apart at the simplicity of distance. One we had the power to overcome. One she'd tried to overcome.

"Thodi si dooriyan hain
Thodi majbooriyan hain
Lekin hai jaanta mera dil
Ho Ik din toh aayega
Jab tu laut aayega
Tab phir muskuraayega mera dil
Sochta hoon yahin
Baithe baithe yunhi
Raahein judaa kyun ho gayi
Na tu ghalat, na main sahi"

I roll down the window, letting the gusts of wind blow past, strong enough to pass chills through the entirety of my body. Gaining composure I push my hand out, opening it flat towards the rising warmth of the sunrise. It felt as if I was combing through the gusts, calming them into shorter ones, ones that weren't as strongly chilly as the ones I'd met minutes ago. Almost how it'd felt to comb through her hair as she slept cuddled against me that night. The soft of her hair a feeling I was her to forget, the ringing of her heartbeat against my own chest a muse that kept me calm even today. I look over at the now empty seat, the crumpled paper that sat in place of her. The paper that had once meant enough to carry along all day had now been left forgotten behind, a lot like myself. Not having been present leaving the importance of the both of us drop meters down from where it'd once been. Picking it up, I sit back, watching a stray tear run down the ink. Perhaps the last wish meant a lot more than the others combined. Perhaps.. it could be reinstilled. Just maybe the promises I'd once broken would be rekindled. I eye the words, letting the parting ones she'd said sink into the depth of my mind. The possibility of us being back a lot more and less than what I'd thought I'd leave her with tonight. On one hand I may just get her back but on the other... I may just lose her forever. A forever I'd never look forward to. A forever I'd rather believe against.

"Yaadon se lad raha hoon
Khud se jhaghad raha hoon
Aankhon mein neend hi nahi hai
Ho. tujhse juda hue toh
Lagta aisa hai mujhko
Duniya meri bikhar gayi hai
Dono ka tha safar
Manzilon pe aakar
Raahein judaa kyun ho gayi
Na tu ghalat, na main sahi"

I let my mind run through the memories itd captured, thinking of all the things I could've done right, things I should've said but never did. I see the utmost crazy, insecure and secure version of myself when I was with you. Insecure of all the things wrong with myself, all of the things of mine I knew you'd never put up with if it was anyone but me. And yet so secure of the utmost of love you offered that the latter seemed minimal. I see the me in the future too. The image of anyone ever successfully loving me, being infatuated with my existence was something I couldn't even imagine if I couldn't be the person you needed.

The next night :

"And You let her go?" Aditiya questioned, the same disbelief as before filling his voice. I nodded taking another whiff of smoke, the slight tingling burn sensation against my lips a satisfaction I was yet to find the replacement of. At least one that wasn't her lips.

Si - "What else was I supposed to do? She didn't ask for anything wrong. I gave myself years to figure things out.. I am no one to not allow her the same."

I look over at him hearing a soft laugh, his amused gaze stuck to the screen in front of us. "I like this side of you. Completely stricken by love" he murmured letting his eyes travel over to mine. The utmost desire of knocking the smile off of his face not letting the earlier thought fade.

"Vaise agar by chance milna ho... mtlb dekhna since milna mnna hai toh ek help kr skta hu" he spoke momentarily, his voice far more serious than earlier. I watched the screen silently, letting my mind ponder over the thought for a second longer.