cool » l. hemmings

xl.

Family is complex -- well, to me, at least. You've got such a deep pile of relatives that it's hard to keep track, but what I'm trying to talk about is the immediate family you've got taking care of you. There are so many options, so many different possiblities, when it comes to immediate family -- it's a different world for everyone. Mine just so happens to be my mother and Grady.

Family sticks together and doesn't just pretend everything is okay when it's not -- they get through it together because they know it sucks. They don't pretend everything is okay and that they care now that the son they never cared about before is gone.

Don't you think those deadbeats show up at the most inconvenient times? Like, it's as if they don't care until something comes along that they have to act as if they do. So, I've decided that two can play that game. If my father wants to believe that he can simply act like he has a sudden 'my children are so, so important to me,' attitude, then I'm able to act like I think he's a piece of garbage (which is something I find more than true, but I'm still going to be open about it).

That letter that I had gotten, from my father, just a week before Grady's funeral -- it didn't say one thing that I found important, to be honest with you I can't remember half of the pointless words that I could barely read through my father's messy handwriting. But, I am able to tell you that everything he promised, said, or joked about in that silly letter were things he should've when we actually cared, when he actually cared, but now we know he's just put on the most wonderful act and, really, I applaud him for the effort of trickery, but life is good and letting him get to me won't keep it that way.

"I'm sorry you guys couldn't visit before Grady and the accident," were the first words he spoke to me at Grady's funeral. He knew we never wanted to visit, it's been that way since we were considered old enough to make our own decisions and told Mom we would rather stay with her. Not to mention the old man next door that I've talked about, he still creeps me out.

Speaking of the funeral, it went how the typical funeral always did, lots of crying, some laughing, and seeing relatives (we barely had any, we were a small family, but there were still a few) that hadn't been spoken to in years -- partially because my Mom's side of the family didn't approve of my father and, well, abandoned her. But that's okay, we don't enjoy him very much either.

There were the good parts of the funeral (because surprisingly those actually exist), like when Ethan decided he wanted to keep his Deadline comics so when we visited Grady's grave eventually, he could sit there and tell him about it. Then, he started telling a bunch of Zelda jokes, trying to lighten the mood because everyone knew Grady hated when absolutely anyone was upset, so we were sure he wouldn't enjoy the fact that his family and best friends were being that way over him, no matter how much Grady would do the same if any of us were to have something happen.

"I heard your mum say that the woman who caused the accident got fined, and I think community service?" Luke spoke softly, laying on my bed on his side, facing me and tracing miscellaneous shapes along my arms and hips. It was quiet, and that put with the soft, calming gesture was enough to make me struggle to stay awake.

I laughed tiredly, imagining the lady actually helping the community. She would probably have some stink face on, because she seemed like an uptight posh woman, no matter how nice she tried to be when she did what she did to Grady. Honestly, I don't think the woman really meant to cause such trouble, but she did and I kind of felt bad when I imagined what weight she had on her shoulders because of it. "I'm just glad the hard parts are over," I sighed, moving my head into the crook of his neck.

"I promised you everything would turn out alright, didn't I?" Luke smiled, even though I couldn't see him I peeked an eye open to catch a glimpse of it. His smile was the most contagious thing about him, whenever Luke smiled or laughed, you couldn't help but do it, too, because the amount of positivity radiating off of this boy is incredible. It's hard to believe that he feels so anxious and nervous all the time.