cool » l. hemmings

xxii.

Telling your best friend that you wanted to be with someone they had a strong dislike toward was never an easy task, and given my uncomfortable and awkward explaining skills, I'm sure me telling Michael about the weird situation wouldn't end very well.

"You totally do like him!"

"I do not! Why would I like someone who hurt my best friend?" I hated lying to him, but this was the very mindset I had currently. I didn't want them, nor did I like the fact that I had them. And it was all because I only cared about how Michael felt - I still do, but I can't just ignore Luke like he was probably going to tell me to do.

"I don't know, maybe because you haven't exactly had any time away from him," Michael's eyes rolled and he was pacing back and forth in his living room. "You talk about him a lot."

He was right, at least. I really haven't spent much time on my own, I've been hanging out with Luke everyday. It's not my fault, our brothers were best friends, so that kind of forced us to be friends, too. And then, slowly but also very quickly, everything turned into one mess of God-knows-what. But Michael didn't know that.

"I'm sorry that I only ever talk to you and Luke? It's not my fault Grady's friends with his brother."

"That doesn't mean you have to be friends with him!" he yelled. My eyes followed his movements from my spot on his couch, him still walking back and forth behind it.

"I know, but Michael, come on. He feels really bad about it. She cheated on him with you, too; remember that." My pale hands contrasted with the black shorts I had on, lying on my lap and fingers fidgeting.

"So you do."

"I what?"

"You like him. Don't you?"

I stayed silent, only looking at him after he called my name again. Then, I looked at him guiltily and watched his expression change - I couldn't tell what to. "I can't help it."

"Yes you can," Michael sighed, dragging his hands up and down his face. "You just don't want to."

I don't want to. For the first time in my life, I had real feelings for a boy and he seemed to have feelings for me, too. Even if I didn't want to feel as strongly about him as I do, there was no way the happiness he makes me feel would just go away.

I never planned on this; hurting Michael was never something I wanted to do. I didn't think he'd hate Luke as much as he hates Brooke, but he does, even when they're not together anymore. That changed the whole thing, and even though I'm sure Michael is way too passive to actually want to hurt him, he'd sure try and ruin whatever it was Luke and I had started to build up.

"I never said anything about who you wanted to date," I said, making him scoff. It was cold in his house and the arguing mixed with my freezing skin made me extremely awkward and fidgety.

"You could've! And I wouldn't have wanted to date them anymore!"

"Can you please stop yelling?" I absolutely hated it, not only just because Michael never, ever yells whatsoever, but because any loud noise made me extremely agitated and uncomfortable.

And he grew quiet. I could only hear him sit down on a chair in the kitchen. It stayed absolutely, nervously silent for the next five minutes.

"Are you serious?" He was talking to himself, I could tell because of his laugh and annoyed smile he made, more directed toward the situation than anyone in particular.

"What?"

"Lucas. Lucas Hemmings. That can't be real. You've got to be completely shitting me," he mumbled into his hands as he rubbed them across his face again.

I'm the one who should be angry, not Michael. I should be angry at the fact that my best friend won't let me deal with my feelings and wants to instead make me feel worse about them. Michael shouldn't be angry with me because of my feelings that I had no control over. I shouldn't feel bad for making him feel bad, because that's making me feel worse. But I still do.

I picked at my lip, close to tasting blood while my lips started burning. "It's not like I can do anything about it. Even if I wanted to like him this way, he's still got a girlfriend and I'm not like that, Michael. You know that." I tried to talk slowly, so I didn't accidentally say anything to make him upset with me again -- or more than he already was.

"He could change you," he mumbled.

"I honestly seem like someone that would allow a guy to change me?" I asked.

"No, I -- nevermind," Michael was back on the couch now, but he we still playing with his hands across from me.

I sighed and lifted myself from my spot on the couch. "I'll talk to you later, I don't know."

† † † † † † †

'You saw Michael?' Grady asked me excitedly when he met me by the front door.

"Yeah," I mumbled, still agitated from what had happened fifteen minutes ago. "He said hi." No he didn't. I just wanted Grady to think about that more than my current mood.

'You missed it, mom almost gave Ethan one of those cookies she baked,' he signed to me. We laughed, and I walked through the kitchen to say hello to my mom.

"Wait -- Ethan? Luke wasn't here, too, was he?" I stopped when I finally realized that Ethan was here. I've never seen Ethan here without Luke, and I'm sure that wouldn't change when I wasn't in the house.

'Only to drop him off and pick him up,' Grady tilted his head. 'Why?'

I almost tripped down the stairs again, but saved myself and assumed Grady was trying not to laugh from the noises I heard behind me. "Just asking." I wasn't just asking. I just needed time away from him. It's not good to only hang out with one person for a month and a half.

Breaks from friends are good. Sometimes all you need is a nap, and for me I hope that nap lasts five years.

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THIS STORY IS TURNING INTO COMPLETE GARBAGE AND I CHANGED MY USER I FEEL REFRESHED