cool » l. hemmings

xxiv.

luke.

All I wanted to do was check on Michelle, because she hasn't been in school and I was worried she had died or something. I just wanted a simple question to be answered and all I got told was to leave. Maybe it was my fault for being so annoying around her but one thing is for certain.

I miss Michelle. I miss Michelle. I miss Michelle.

I knew this wouldn't turn out well. Nothing with a girl ever turns out well for me and I always end up being the one who cares too much about everything. And I feel horrible for whatever I did to Michelle, even if I didn't know what it was.

I have no idea what I did but I just want to apologize so I can actually have a friend again. She doesn't have that problem. She's got another friend. I'm sure she could live without me but I can't live with not knowing what I'm doing to make her hate me. I can't live with the fact that someone hates me, or really two people now.

A part of me wants to run back to her house and yell at her for doing this to me and making me feel so bad about absolutely nothing but then another part of me wants to go back and undo everything I've ever done that she's found out about because that's the only reason she's probably upset with me and it's all my fault but I just want someone to laugh about stupid things with and I want my brother to have someone to do that with too and its all my fault that he can't

and

I'm

sorry.

The cold rain outside was hitting my skin and giving me goosebumps since I wasn't wearing a jacket.

It's been a while since I've seen Michelle get goosebumps. I think it's cute. And it's cute how she doesn't like when I give them to her. And it's cute how she doesn't think I know that I'm the only reason she gets them.

I was about to turn around and go apologize for whatever reason, but my phone vibrated from my pocket.

Brooke.

I don't know why I decided to answer, but I did.

"Babe! You answered, thank God," I heard her release a breath.

"What do you need?" The palms of my free hand moved to rub at my temple as I talked to Brooke and crossed the street. I was starting to get a headache.

"Well -- wait, why aren't you in school?" she stopped. I was hoping to avoid that question.

I wasn't a good liar when it came to coming up with excuses. So I didn't lie, I just didn't answer. "Why aren't you?" I asked her, realizing she should be in school, too.

"School ended yesterday for me, babe," she said. I forgot my old school gets out a week and a half earlier than my new one. I don't understand why.

"Oh," I picked at my lip -- a habit I developed from Michelle. "Sorry."

"You don't have to say sorry for silly things, Luke." She sighed from over the phone. "Anyway, are you still mad at me?"

"I was mad at you?" I continued to walk in the rain. I wanted to enjoy the rain in peace. I wanted to enjoy the rain and hate my thoughts all at once.

"Well you kicked me out of your house." Brooke laughed about it. She completely brushed off the fact that I was the biggest asshole in the world.

"Oh, right -- I, uh, I don't know. I don't think so." Honestly, I never was. I'm only mad at myself for continuing to go out with her. Brooke was nice, she really was besides everything she put Michael through and how much she craves a guy's attention, and I felt bad for leading her on even if one day I find out she doesn't really care for me. I would feel even worse trying to end it, though. I don't know why but I would and I don't want to.

"Are you okay?" Brooke asked me, probably tucking hair behind her ear and pacing for no reason. She used to do that a lot.

"I'm really tired," I shrugged as I finally reached my front door, turning the door knob and being met with the warmth of my house again. My fingers were slightly red from how cold the rain had made them.

"I'll get off the phone then. Bye, Luke."

"Okay." I don't like saying goodbye. The word alone makes me anxious. What if that goodbye is the last greeting or farewell you'd give to someone? So I don't say anything.

I completely ditched first period just because I wanted to check on Michelle. That turned out shit, and I wasn't sure what to do now. I wasn't going back to school; I don't have enough motivation in me to do that.

Should I run back to Michelle and just get her to talk to me? No, I might die.

But I'm an idiot and I ran back out of my front door again.

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suuuper short :(( but this chapter and the last were kind of fillers bc i've got something planned sooner than you think >:-)

though it probably won't be up until a day or two after christmas bc i've got a lot of stuff to do to get my grades out of the depths of hell during break