Battle of intentions

11. Third cousin counts right!

I was thrown off balance with my thoughts. At one hand, I had ignored this man from the very start because I did not want to feed into this sensual yet lustful side of myself. I hated the thoughts, I made up in my head when I was alone. I hated the arousal and instant attraction, I had started feeling towards him. I was not naive, I simply remained quiet and observant of my surroundings. The logic in my mind was I was no longer a virgin so what was the point. Without a doubt, I knew he was right. I— had participated but when he started calling me Anna, I tried to pullback but it was too late. I had kissed him back with no intention that it would go farther into him deflowering me. The only reasoning that made me glad, I could finally visit home. Something, I knew would never have been possible in years and years or even till my death. I couldn't tell if Lord Hugh a genuinely nice person or perhaps he was a nice person with a motive. Whatever his motive had been, they seemed to benefit me as well. I realised me being intimate with him, would grant me many favours. I had watched my aunt Ruth toy with white men for years or rather any men who held larger value. When I'd witnessed Beatrice being with Lord Hugh, I became aware of the fact that I was hindering the possibility of a good life for myself by keeping my legs closed. It sounded shallow but proved to be right when I begged to visit my family after one night of him being with me.

For a very long time, I hated the thought of living my aunts life of adultery. I had always assumed my mother had been sold off but I was wrong. Before I left home for this nanny pursuit. Aunt Ruth had finally sat me down and told me in detail what had happened to my mother. I had to live with the knowledge that a white man had dehumanised my mother in every possible way then left her for death to devour and take away. Panashe and William had given everyone a tad bit of hope that things could be different. At the thought of my mother I knew it wasn't. It did not take away the fact that they were horrible people. I was still distraught by the revelation. Coming here I thought I could be different, I had really assumed I could but I was wrong. I wanted to save myself for marriage and marry, it seemed even fate had different plans for me. There was no point in running away from something that was well instilled in my bloodline.

"Are you alright?" Lord Hugh questioned on top of me. "Are you having second thoughts?" His eyes were a much darker green in the dim set up. I shook my head as I allowed him to kiss me. My stomach revolted with disgust for myself. My lust and disgust fought for dominance within me. His lips were soft and his touch gentle. I reminded myself he was a womaniser and he knew exactly what he was doing. His hands were experienced within the way he touched me. He was gentle with every kiss caress and stroke. I still flinched at the spasm of having him inside me. It still felt foreign, my eyes threatened to water as he pushed for more. I became moist with each stroke. He stretched me to a capacity, I had no knowledge of holding. He laid kisses on my neck and bare chest. It was soothing. I refused to make eye contact even though he seemed to be searching for it. His torso was chiselled, his veins more visible as he held his weight up as to not entirely rest on me.

Undeniably, it felt good. My thoughts ran off to a different place. I held onto his strong shoulders as he ploughed into me. I whimpered beneath him, a thought immediately crossed my mind. I was disappointed within myself. Watching him groan and compliment me, I was disappointed within myself but my lust wouldn't allow me to properly process those thoughts. I decided to forget all this overthinking and focus on him.

"You're so so beautiful!" He groaned out of breath in my ear as he took me. I opened my legs wider allowing him full entrance into me. He was a good looking man, I watched as his forest green eyes flickered towards every angle of my body. His hands softly massaged my breasts. I felt myself finally relax and enjoy the moment with him. He was well endowed, I could never deny that. I felt it that night and I felt it in this moment. He hit places I did not know existed within me. He had this smirk that turned into a smile every-time we kissed. His blonde locks fell in between our foreheads as our tongues fought for dominance. He fit so perfectly in my like a hand in glove. I was slowly adjusting to him, it was bittersweet pain. He made me involuntarily moan and make sounds I did not want to. I never wanted to give him satisfaction of knowing he made my body weak with absolute pleasure.