Battle of intentions

17. I'm going back to London

Rushing with an empty glass, I made it into the kitchen. Breathing in and out, I couldn't hold it in. I hated this feeling with all my might. Every memory that I had of him, with him, above me, inside me, all disgraceful. My mind seemed to enjoy replaying every moment we had just to make me grow fond of him. I would never grow fond of a white man. Much worse when he had taken a side and showed me that he was exactly like the rest of them. Who did he think he was? An absolute dunce! I couldn't tell if I was more heated about being in Gerry's presence or having Lord Hugh belittle me as if he did not indulge in the most despicable acts with me in private only to dehumanise me because of the people around us. I was stressed about a lot of things, one of them being my period coming in only for one day then disappearing then coming again the very next two days. It had never happened to me before. I was excited the first time thanking God that everything was well but all this was giving me confusion.

I heard someone enter the room to which I pretended to clean up all around.

"Nora?" It was Panashe. I felt some sort of comfort being in her presence. I was glad it was her more than anyone else.

"Everything alright?"

I turned around and gave her a nod.

"Did he say something hurtful to you again?"

"No, he hasn't." I swallowed. It seemed I felt more emotional when people asked me if I was okay. As if my whole body set for distraction ready to embarrass me.

"Do not let Gerry get to you." Panashe said cheerfully. I couldn't help it, I had to console in her. I needed her to assure me everything was okay. I needed her to tell me everything was not in my control, it wasn't my fault.

"I—" couldn't find the courage to say it. I was embarrassed and ashamed. It was not easy to say out loud.

"Look Nora, you know I'm very very fond of you. You're like a sister to me. William is also very fond of you and—" she sighed. "We will always want what's best for you. William thinks you should stay at the plantation and not return to London. For many reasons that he refuses to name but I'd have to agree with him. It's all up to you at the end of the day to return or stay."

"Have I done something wrong?" I asked.

"No no in fact it's to protect you."

I was confused.

That's when Merrigold peaked in. "Pana—" smiling cheerfully. "I'm really sorry, I did not realise there was a meeting. Austin is acting like a maniac again, I'm afraid... I might just get pregnant yet again." She heaved letting herself in and closing the door behind her.

"Uhm—" before Panashe could speak, Merri spoke again. "Oh God, is this the princess that William was so concerned about?"

"Not a Princess..." I said defensively.

"Yes, princess darling especially if you and royalty keep locking eyes in public as if you don't have an audience behind you."

I felt offended, I decided right then and there I did not like Merrigold. She was an entitled woman with no boundaries making assumptions as if she'd known me her whole life.

"Merri be gentle." Panashe said softly.

"Gentle? For goodness sake there's no other way to properly put this. He has touched you before hasn't he?"

"What no!" I stammered, furiously blinking at her.

Merri looked at Panashe and whispered. "Austin was right, he has."

"He hasn't." I said firmly.

"We're not here to judge you, please give William's proposition a thought?"