Moonlight [H.S]

the fifteenth

May 27th

I open my eyes to see Harry's head on my stomach. I don't know how I ended up in this position with him.

Both with him on my stomach and in bed with him cuddling.

I have no idea how we got here.

I hated him for a year of my life. Despised him. And now... I feel.

I don't know what I feel. And I'm furious about it.

I wish I was in touch with my emotions. I wish I could understand emotions that I'm not familiar with. I'm great with the negative ones, sad, angry, enraged, nervous, broken, and all that lovely stuff.

But all the happy, sunflowers, pooping rainbows, and making best friends with bears shit isn't my forte.

I don't know about the feelings that make you feel like you just ate a butterfly.

Or whatever the expression is.

Something that has to do with butterflies.

I'll google it later.

Butterflies in your stomach. That's what it is.

Never mind, I don't need to google it.

Having Harry's head on my stomach makes me wanna rip my heart out and figure out what the fuck its feeling. It feels like my stomach is doing flips.

Not just flips.

That mother fucker is doing cartwheels and back handsprings.

I want to throw up, scream, smile, and laugh hysterically all at the same time.

The whole time I was with Jasper, he never made me feel this way. Even when things were good, my stomach never did flips when he hugged me.

My heart never leapt when I saw him walk into the room.

A kiss with Jasper didn't feel as good as holding Harry's hand.

Jasper always told me how I felt. He told me he liked me, and I liked him. He told me I was in love with him even though he knew I never wanted to say it. He told me how I felt the whole time we were dating. He didn't stop when we broke up.

He kept telling me I wasn't over him until I believed him.

If you tell someone something enough, they will believe you.

That's probably why I think I'm unlovable. My mom kept telling me no one could ever love me. She told me so many times that I was useless. I believe her now.

My dad always told me I was special, loved, and important. Super contradicting.

I haven't talked to my dad in a while.

I should probably do that now.

I tangle my fingers in Harry's hair and play with it a little like he did with mine last night.

"Hi dad," I sigh, "I know I haven't talked to you in a while. I've been distracted." I keep my voice almost silent. I don't want to wake Harry up with this. I just miss my dad. "How have you been? I know you can't answer so... I'll just tell you how I am. Jasper's here. Of course, he had to bring his new girlfriend. I know you never liked him, and you warned me about him. You were right."

I shift so my legs are in a different position.

"I have this new fake boyfriend. He's right here. He's hot right?" I smile, "Anyways... I miss you. Hope you're doing good, and hanging out with Jesus or whatever goes on up there." I know my dads in a good place. He was a lawyer that got innocent people out of prison.