Wrong kind of Attraction

7

Shaurya

"Chachi, has dad not returned yet?" It's sunday and I haven't seen him all day. Heck no one has seen him, he's out since morning. When I asked Badi ma, she said he left before anyone woke up and when she called him he told her that he is fine and would return soon. But it's evening now. Wiping her hand in towel, chachi turned to me "No Shaurya beta. I told bhabhi and she called him few hours ago. He said he would return after dinner"

"But where is he?" I said searching for potential answers. My father has always been a missing figure in my life, soon after my mother left me he drifted far away from everyone including me, reason why I couldn't guess where he could be.
"Bhabhi asked him, but he said he is fine" Chachi replied looking tensed "he never stays away from home for so long, I am worried" because he don't have any close friends, no one with whom he could spend an entire day. Which is very normal when you spend whole night getting high and day sleeping. Yes, that's what his schedule was for past twenty six years. He really didn't care about anyone including his own son, he stayed far away from everyone in my family even though he shared this roof with us, he never helped tau ji or chacha in running our business, he stayed aloof until one day Astha Kashyap called and asked him to help Anokhi.

"Shaurya" Chaachi gripped my shoulders gently to get my attention "please call him and check. Maybe, maybe he would tell you." her plea made me smile sarcastically "What makes you think he would tell me where he is. It's not like we are best buddies or best father son duo out there who shares everything-"

"Yeah but maybe you'll get some idea or hint of at least where he is. Shaurya, just think about it what if he is in some trouble"

"Okay-okay I will call him" I reassured chaachi sensing desperation and worry in her voice. Taking mobile out of my lowers pocket I dialed his number. I waited for him to answer, as chaachi stood before me completely still holding her breath waiting to know if Shaan Sabherwal is okay. But he didn't pick up first time, and rejected my call second time. I looked at my mobile's screen not knowing how to react. "And he rejected my call" I said putting mobile back in my pocket "see told ya' if he is not telling badi ma where he is then chances of him telling me where he is are slim and as you could see he rejected my call. At least in badi ma's case he is answering calls"

"I-"

"Don't worry, he will be back" I cut chaachi short and turned to leave. He's always absent. And now I just don't care anymore, I asked where if he has returned or not out of curiosity

A bitter smile made it's way to my lips when my drunk father's picture flashed before my eyes. He was high even on the day of my engagement. Yep that's how much he cared for my happiness, that's how much I mattered to him. That day he disappointed me the most. Because let's be honest we were never close and I always thought that after some point it didn't matter, but a part of me was expecting him to be clean at least for my engagement's sake. Then I broke my engagement and week later I see my father ready to leave for somewhere and upon asking he said that he wants to join SIAC.
Another resentful smile made it's way to my lips, because when he said he wants to help tau ji. I thought that he is doing it for me because of my broken engagement. I thought he wants to be a father for once. But all my happy-happy thoughts were shattered the moment I came to know he was doing it for Astha Kashyap's sake, to help Anokhi.

My parents played a huge role in making me dislike Anokhi with my every cell in my body. They fought for her with everyone including me. They made me realize what I never had but always wanted 'parents'. They made me relive all those childhood memories where I cried on my annual function days because other kids had their parents, father and mother to cheer them up while I had no one except badi maa. Who loved me and cared for me like she would have cared and loved her own child, who prioritized everytime, but still as a child I wanted my parents too.

When my parents stood up for Anokhi, when Astha Kashyap fought for Anokhi, when Shaan Sabherwal stopped drinking and joined SIAC just to help his beloved wife's student. I became embittered, I realized I was Astha Kashyap and Shaan Sabherwal's unwanted son.

Sighing, I sat on one of the four chairs in our garden and looked up at the sky. They shoved Anokhi in my life, the best yet the worst thing.

I sat there watching sunset, watching last sun-rays of the day kiss the vast area of our garden before me, watching greens and purples melt into grey under the moonlight when I heard footsteps and turned my head towards the direction of sound and saw Kitty in her tracksuit walking towards me with a masked smile.

Masked smile, no one will know that she is faking that smile, except for me. One who wears that smile every day, one who's been wearing that smile for a while now. She could easily fool anyone with that.

"Bhai, what are you doing out here?" she asked sitting on the chair beside me. A part of me wants to ask her what has happened, what is troubling her. But then another part reminds me how hated even thinking that someone might see through my illusions, that someone might see through my masked smile and ask me questions, would want me to share it with them. How I still dread and hate such thoughts. Maybe that's exactly how Kitty thinks, maybe she dreads and hate the thought of someone looking through her false facade.

"Was thinking about something" I said looking far away. My mind already feels numb, I feel numb, a feeling that is not alien for me. When you have nothing better to think of or focus on, nothing real, when anger fills every inch of your mind, when an air of despondency wrap you up despite having everything. Numbness is all that you could feel. All I feel these days!

"What took over you today?" I asked Kitty who was sitting beside me as silent as a ghost.

"Uhh?"

"Haven't seen you go for a jog in ages."

At this she gave me a strange look as if contemplating to tell me something. As if she's under tremendous weight and wants it to get off of her "I think I have gained few pounds over last few months"

"Sure that's all?"

"Ye-yeah of course, what else it could be?"

"There could be number of reasons why someone would go for a jog. Like to clear their head for one" I shrugged.

"Key word here is 'could be'"

"You sure you don't want to talk about something"

She stayed silent for next few minutes.

"It's okay if you don't want to discuss it now. I just want you to know that I am there if you want to talk about something" I reassured her. Discussing your problems or sharing your true feelings with someone is a luxury, not every gets. I understand how frustrating and suffocating it is when you have no one to pour your heart out with. And in all honesty I didn't realize this until few weeks ago, until I loosened up around Anokhi. Just another thing that makes me mad, one person I thought I could be around without any worry, is the one person I shouldn't be with.

"Thank fucking you universe" I would have screamed if I was alone.

"Actually......." Kitty started to speak but then thinking something stayed silent.

"It's, okay" I looked at her, her face was covered with very subtle guilt and concern. She is trying really hard to hide it all away and that makes me thousand times more curious and concerned "No pressure tell me when you feel like. But if you are in some grave trouble then I'd say share it now, if not with me then with chachi Or maybe Kanchan-"

"I am not in trouble bhai" she said cutting me short "I-I just... I will tell you when I am clear, when I know what exactly it is that's nagging me. When I know exactly how to put it out there, when I know that's the last option"

"You sure you or Bebo are not in some trouble?" her words are more alarming than I am sure she wants them to be.

She shook her head and said nothing. Pressing her for more will only push her back in her shell, if I want to crack her I have to go slow.

"Fine then. Talk when you feel free" I said getting up "anyways wanna go for ice cream? " I asked her.

And in seconds Kitty's face lit up, though not as brightly as I am used to but still it is better than that 'I'm a mess' face. "Yes just give me fifteen minutes" Saying she got up and went inside.