You Rock My Heart

I mean every word of it

The two of them walked to the far corner of the pool area and sat down in the hot tub, both waiting in silence. Seonghwa looked towards the windows, unable to face Hongjoong. How was he supposed to explain? He didn't even understand why he was pushing him away.

"I guess for starters, why did you leave without waking me up?"

"You're still mad about that?"

"I'm not mad, just confused."

"I told you I was in a rush to get to work and didn't really think about it."

"I know that's not all. You say you're not compassionate but I haven't sensed that once in the time we've known each other."

"Guess I'm a pretty good liar then."

"Seonghwa..."

"Okay maybe I just wanted to be nice and let you get a bit of extra sleep, seeing you had been talking all night about how tired work was making you."

"I appreciate the thought but I still don't think you're being honest with me."

"Well if you're so certain, then tell me why I left."

Hongjoong looked over, his eyes soft and his eyebrows turned ever so slightly in concern.

"I don't want to overstep but I think it's because—because you were ashamed of me? I didn't intend for the night to be so forward and if you don't feel the same things I do that's fine and I completely understand. I didn't expect to fall asleep in a dimly lit park next to my crush but it happened and I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable."

Seonghwa was so shocked he almost couldn't find any words. It had never occurred to him how his actions could be mistaken for embarrassment. No wonder Hongjoong pressed the matter so hard before. He was scared. He didn't want to make a fool of himself if Seonghwa didn't feel the same way.

"Am I right? If so I won't take it harshly I just needed to know the tru—"

"You have it all wrong! Honestly! I could never be embarrassed of you are you kidding? You're the sweetest, cutest, kindest, most genuine person I have ever met and if anything you should be embarrassed of me!"

Had Seonghwa really left him thinking he was falling for someone that didn't like him back all of this time? He felt so foolish for not trying harder to hear him out before.

"But you don't like, like me. Just as a friend, right?"

Seonghwa blushed a bit and felt his mouth trying to blurt out as many denials as it would take to avoid confessing the feelings lying deep in his heart. How did Hongjoong confess so easily? Why was it so hard for him? As soon as he'd seen Hongjoong again he selfishly wanted to hug him forever until he remembered everything he'd said to him before blocking him. He knew he had no right to pick back up where they left off and that he had no right to let this man waste his energy on a lost cause. Who could ever love him? All he did was push away anyone who tried to help.

"Hwa?"

Seonghwa pushed aside all of his worries and decided Hongjoong deserved the truth, no matter what he thought about it.

"The truth is, I left because I was scared. I was so happy to wake up next to you, even when I figured out how late I would be to practice. I almost wished I'd woken up later so that I could have spent more time with you. I really like you Hongjoong. A lot. So much that my heart almost exploded seeing you again. I can't even explain just how happy it makes me to get another chance to spend time with you. But I've been down this road before and it wasn't pretty. I want to trust you and I want to have both you and my career but I'm not sure there's any way to balance both. My hesitation was never your fault, it was entirely mine. I was scared that if I woke you up I'd lose control and admit all of my feelings and rope myself and you into a relationship I wasn't ready for. You're the most amazing person and I couldn't imagine hurting you m, especially since it seems I lash out at everyone who ever gets close to me. I didn't leave you behind because I was embarrassed by you, I did it because I was ashamed of myself."

Seonghwa took a deep breath. He hadn't meant to spill so much about himself but he found once he started he couldn't stop. His face was bright red as he realized how personal his words were and he began to worry whether or not Hongjoong would understand what he meant.

After a long period of awkward silence, Hongjoong finally broke the ice.

"So this whole time, you really liked me? It wasn't just my imagination playing tricks on me?"

"Of course I liked you! I was so obvious I thought you would've known ever since I almost choked on my drink when you approached me that night!" Seonghwa said, his lips forming the start of a smile.

"Then why the hell did you block me?" Hongjoong laughed incredulously.

"I was being an ass to you and I didn't think it was fair of me to make you put up with me just because I loved talking to you."

"You were a bit of an ass. But I don't care if you're being an ass as long as you at least give me a reason. You left me so confused and hurt."

"I'm really sorry Hongjoong. I really don't deserve someone as understanding as you. Seriously why do you even waste time on me?"

"Don't say that! I'm sick of you beating yourself up. Sure you snap sometimes but it's because you're dealing with stuff. Let me share your burden, I want to help. You know you don't have to do everything yourself."

"Other people snap sometimes, I snap at everyone all the time. All I do is lash out, and I don't even have any redeeming qualities."

"You have so many redeeming qualities, where do I start?! For starters, you're cute, so you can get away with a lot. But that's not the only reason I swear!" Hongjoong laughed as Seonghwa looked away a bit too humble to take praise.

"But seriously. When we talk I can listen to every story you tell for hours on end. The sound of your voice could calm me down in any situation. And you're so perceptive! You keep saying you're not compassionate but remember when you noticed my hands were cold and forced me to wear your mittens? Or later in the night when you forced me to wrap up in at least three layers of blankets after I coughed one time? Every time I've needed something you're there before I can even ask. You don't give yourself enough credit. But if I'm being honest, if I had to say what I really like about you, I couldn't list any specific thing. Just being in the same room as you makes my heart soar."

Seonghwa wanted to tell him he was just making everything up but Hongjoong quickly said,

"I'm really serious. I wouldn't lie to you. You're amazing Seonghwa."

Seonghwa felt the tears coming and tried his best to hold them back. He didn't deserve this praise. He treated Hongjoong awfully. Why was he still praising him and staring at him with his adoring puppy dog eyes?

"Hey Hwa, are you okay? Did I say too much? Sorry I could talk about you for hours on end I didn't mean to embarrass you or make things awkward. I made things awkward, didn't I?"

Seonghwa wiped a tear away from his eye and laughed softly.

"What did I tell you about saying an awkward situation is awkward? It just makes it worse," he said shaking his head.

"Oh no so I made it worse? How can I fix it?"

"You're fine. I'm just—I'm overwhelmed. No one's ever said those kind of things about me before and I can't really figure out where you get them from but I'm honored to be painted in such a positive light."

"You know I mean every word of it."

"I actually have something I want to tell you," muttered Seonghwa, feeling the need to get another piece of honesty across to Hongjoong before things got too far.