𝐑𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐆𝐄 ‣ 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐝𝐚𝐢𝐫

v. life and death

act three, chapter five – life and death

At first, Fallon's revelation made her go through the motions of life in a ghostly way, like she had just uncovered something supernatural and was desperate to explore it. It was a blank sense of peace, the type you get when you let something happen willingly with disregard for the consequences. You would think that realizing you were in love would be some earth-shattering thing, but if she had learned anything, it was that love was nothing like what she assumed it was. Being raised in a household without the example of a happy marriage surely warped this perception. But when the feeling registered, and Johanna put a name on it, it simply felt like fog clearing and not the forest fire she expected it to be. Maybe that was because some disconnected piece of her had accepted it long ago and she finally welcomed it instead of pushing it away. 

However, it did not stay like this. This change stuck out boldly and was a perfect target for her trio of doctors who spied it out and capitalized off of it as soon as possible. He was a weakness, and Fallon had accepted through the years that all good things were weaknesses waiting to be exploited. But this idea had only been hung over her head like bait by President Snow; a way to scare her into obedience. Now, it was a form of discipline and punishment. 

The first time it happened was the day after. It could've been the advanced Capitol technology or maybe it was just her subconscious giving into her deepest fears, but the simulations were immediately redirected to him. When she woke up in her cell, she couldn't fight the urge to vomit. Once she was completely empty,  she just laid there while pain creeped up her spine like a living thing. Throughout her time there she had never done something like this, and it was frightening to realize that her love for him was now obvious and translated into physicality. Her skin was pale and blotched, and when she gathered the strength to prop herself against the wall even Johanna emerged from her isolation to ask her if she was okay. She said no.

It made her feel deeply ashamed that she had done this and couldn't help stop the feelings of self-loathing rise up like the acid did in her throat. She chided herself when she thought: does this make me like Peeta? Fallon no longer had compassion for him but total understanding of his condition now, and was scared like a small animal, because she feared that she had only just felt love and now it would be ruined.

The next time, she woke up an immediately felt dizziness that signaled to her that it was happening again. She threw up again, this time stretching it out to feel like absolutely everything was out of her system. The metallically, cleansing feeling that utter emptiness gave her gave her a sense of fulfillment that there was still a way to feel like herself again. However, she knew that this was not sustainable, especially when's he was already sickly thin. Instead, she stopped talking. 

Johanna and Peeta manage to make her speak on some occasions. After they realized it was not a one-time thing, they tried to start conversation, which Fallon acknowledged the effort of. Peeta recited the epithet to her: Crescendo. Bunny. Four. West. Constellation. This helped, only temporarily, like a flickering lightbulb in an attic. Light weakly buzzed and disappeared into darkness. She hears Peeta and Johanna ride out this fleeting moments of life as she just lays there, feeling a strange rush from the power of abstinence and vulnerability.