𝐑𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐆𝐄 ‣ 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐝𝐚𝐢𝐫

vi. thirteen

act three, chapter six – thirteen

Loop over, loop under. That's all Finnick can do or think as he and Katniss sit in a Special Defense, waiting for the mission team to return. He feels like a small child, waiting for someone to tell him what to do and absorb it like a sponge. How submissive he feels reminds him of his past, stuck under Snow, but right now he doesn't try to fight it. He takes it in willingly because it's an indicator of hope, and he feels weak and giddy under its power. Pressure gathers in his temples and makes him feel light-headed, clouding his vision with fuzziness, but he keeps his eyes trained on the rope. Under and over. 

Instinctively, Finnick snaps his head to the doorframe where Boggs enters. A rush of adrenaline and fear surges through him and makes feel like his conscious is floating outside of his body, unable to affectively control his limbs. 

Boggs crosses his arms over each other. "They're back."

The rope goes limp as his fingers slacken. He can feel Katniss's gaze heavily on the side of his face but he doesn't turn. In response to weight dropping in his gut, he freezes entirely. He stares at Boggs, waiting for more information that he knew wasn't going to come. This was it.

Finnick didn't want to admit that most present emotion he felt was fear. All of the unknown. In his head he meticulously rehearsed a series of possible events but always moved onto the next before the vision could finish. He tried to replicate a possible version of her by connecting hundreds of memories into one image, but it was impossible to capture her in memory. Fallon could never be contained into something so static. About a month ago, he became very invested in a particular storyline where she immediately came off the helicopter and ran into his arms. He cried as soon as he stopped himself from going further, and afterwards felt shame deep in his core. He hated that he subconsciously portrayed her as someone above suffering because in his mind she didn't deserve it. That didn't take away from reality, and whenever he found himself indulging in fiction he grabbed the rope she gave him and tied it until the thoughts went away. 

As Boggs, Katniss, and Finnick weaved through Special Defense, Finnick was highly aware that Boggs kept looking back at him. Eyebrows slightly raised, eyes watchful, then turning away casually. Finnick kept his eyes on the linoleum, inspecting the twisting patterns of the lines in the floor, to distract himself from the plaintive looks sent his way. During his time in District 13, people had turned him into this creature to be pitied, which he disliked, but was too focused on her to bother doing anything about it. Katniss moved to grab his wrist, effectively leading through the crowd, and he was grateful that neither of them had to speak to know how much this action meant for both of them. 

Arriving in the medical bay felt like a plane crash; the turbulent feeling in his stomach, speeding downwards, knowing that the end was coming but the pain of it not registering until it happened. He can't see her. He nervously wipes his lips with the back of his hand. Breaths come out bated and shortened and his chest felt like is was collapsing in on itself. Katniss's tight grips keeps him grounded so he doesn't faint.