𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐞𝐞𝐩𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐬 [rini au]

𝟶𝟽. 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚛𝚍 𝚜𝚎𝚌𝚛𝚎𝚝

Carlos's pov

Yup, I just said that.

Everyone is looking at me now, confused and scared.

"What?" finally one of them said. "Are you serious?"

"Guys, it's not that big deal, I'm alive, everything is fine, life goes on." I smiled even though I knew what is was coming.

"It's not a big deal?!" they yelled at me.

Yeah, yelling was coming.

"I don't know about anyone else but it looks like a big deal to me." Kourtney said.

"It is a big deal!" Gina said. She probably won't be as quiet with my secret as she was with the others.

"Wow," Big Red sighed. "You two have bigger secrets than me."

"Everyone has a bigger secret than you! You know why? Because yours was a name." Gina told him. Some of us laughed a little but everyone was still shocked by what I said.

But I mean, she's not wrong.

"Wait so you're really not kidding?" Kourtney asked and I shook my head.

"Why?" Nini looked at me with tears in her eyes.

"It's a long story."

"I don't know if you noticed but we have quite a lot of time." EJ pointed to the clock.

"Well, it happened last year. We was doing a musical at school and that's when a new drama teacher came along. I was a choreographer as always and her assistant. I immediately became friends with Miss Jenn. But one day I went to the cafeteria for lunch, and I didn't know where to sit. There was someone sitting at every single table, but I wasn't friends with any of those people. That's when I started thinking that I don't really have any friends. I was sad about it, cause all the teachers liked me, but no one under the age of thirty liked me. And it's not easy to feel that way. I know most of the time I seem that I don't give a fuck about anything or anyone, that I don't care what bullshit people say about me, but it's not like that. I also have feelings, I am human, it's clear that I also feel sad sometimes. But when you feel like you're alone in this world, that no one is taking you the way you are... it's hard."

"Yes, but that's not a reason for suicide."

"It doesn't seem like a good reason, but I've been feeling that way for a very long time. And it slowly started killing me inside. And it didn't help when people made fun of me because I'm gay. I didn't have anyone here, so no one would mind if I died."

"It's not true!"

"We would mind!" all of a sudden they began to convince me, but I know the truth.

"No. We were classmates but we never talked back than." Suddenly there was silence, they looked at the ground with sadness.

"It was Friday, my parents weren't home, so I was alone." I continued. I tried to hold back the tears because it was time for the hard part. They've never seen me cry and I don't want that to change. Not because I am ashamed, they wouldn't judge me, but I am the strong one in our group. "I thought about it for a long time and when I finally made decision, I locked the door, took a knife, and went to the bathroom. I sat in the bath and then looked at my wrist and wondered if I would really do it. I tried to find some reasons not to do it, but I didn't find anything. I started bringing the knife closer to my wrist, holding tears, and then..." I stayed silent for a moment. "Then I cried. And I was mad at myself because I was so weak I couldn't even do that. I stood up, looked at myself in the mirror and I stood there for about ten minutes, thinking about what to do next. In the end I decided to give life another chance. I didn't expect anything from it, but the next day I went to the theater club and there I saw Nini. You were there for the audition for the first time, you were so nervous and everyone supported you that you could do it and I looked at you and I wished I had such friends. Later, when we found out that who would play which role in the musical, most of you joined the theater club, where we met. Well, to be fair, I first met Gina and Kourt, who introduced me to the others. I took it a bit like a sign or whatever.. However, I've been happy ever since because I have the best friends I could wish for. I have never thought about suicide since that day." I finished. I finally looked at them and they all either had tears in their eyes or cried already.

"Wow," EJ was the first to speak. "that's a lot."

"Yeah.." Ash agreed.

And then I finally noticed my boyfriend standing there looking at the ground with sadness.

"Seb?"

"Hm?"

"Are you angry?"

"No." he replied and I was a little relieved. "I just still can't believe it-"

"None of us can." Ricky interrupted him.

"Why didn't you ever tell us?" Red asked.

"Honestly I don't even know. Probably because it's hard for me to just talk about it. And I kind of hoped to forget about that period of my life. But then this asshole locked us in here and here we are."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Gina asked.

"No, that's exactly what I don't want. We can forget about it, please. I swear on my perfect dance skills that I will never do it again." I begged.

"All right." Seb answered. "What time is it?"

Ricky looked at his phone and replied: "It'll be midnight in a few minutes."

"We only said three secrets in two hours?" I couldn't believe it. This will be a long night.

"Well, it's true that we've been arguing for a long time about who's going to talk." Seby answered.

"We should move on with those secrets. We have to say it by seven in the morning, and we still have to tell six secrets." Big Red said.

"Los? Do you want to choose?" Seb asked me as he pointed to the papers. I nodded. I chose one of them and first read it quietly fo myself.

Oh, god

"Kourt, I guess it's your turn"

Okay, well, three secrets have been told so far!

I need to say it.. I'm really excited for next chapter, hehe (something may or may not happen ;) .. )

This chapter was about suicide and it is a difficult topic for some people, but it is a serious topic, I hope we can all agree on that.

I just wanted to say, I hope all of you know that suicide and hurting yourself and things like that is never the right solution. No one has perfect life but everything can be solved. And if any of you happen to feel alone as Carlos in the story, feel free to message me at any time. :) I'm looking for friends anyway, hah.

I will quote Liv, "hope ur ok", all of you.

love u, Sof ♡