Before I Blackout

•NINETEEN•

I had a dream I was drowning
Then I was burning
Also running
One night as I toss in my sleepless slumber
I was struck by the undertow
I couldn't breath
I couldn't swim
I was helpless
I reached and reached for the surface
The more I tried to clutch for air
The more water that filled my lungs
I thought this dream reoccurred because I was always scared to swim too deep
On this night
I finally came to the surface
And there was the shore
It was closer than I thought
There was someone standing at the edge
Then came that burning feeling
I thought I escaped one nightmare only to enter another
The burning never hurt
It lingered in a deeper part of me instead of resting inside my lungs
As I swam closer I saw it was you
You were reaching out to me
For some reason I wished I was burning
Or I would be recycled back out to sea  
Someone finding compassion for me made me wanted to swim to the deepest part of the ocean and let it claim me
I knew you were too kind
Your soul too pure
To help someone who could barely help herself
When you finally took my hand
I tried pulling you under the water
I didn't want you to see my scars or my burns
I didn't want you to see the monster I was
You were too strong for me to keep fighting
I let you wash up onto the shore
I cried
Oh god I cried
No one has ever been close enough to see my burns or my scars
I thought you were going to run away
You hugged me
Told me I didn't have to be scared anymore
There was that internal burning again
when I looked up to the sky
I no longer saw embers flaking
There were stars twinkling
A few fell into your eyes
You smiled at me
Touched me as if I would break
Only because you knew I was fragile 
I didn't feel the need to run
I was finally done chasing after an empty ghost
It's position was filled with your compassion
You carried me away from the water
You cared for me the way only one person knows how to
You know what it's like to be broken
You how it feels when the tide washes you away
You were me once
You bandaged my wounds
You loved me like I was brand new
As much as you and I cycle with the moon
Pushing and pulling each other
Against mismatched currents
We pulled each other out of our worst nightmare
The fear nobody would love us and all our scars
But like all kind people we are both a little chard and a little broken
You are the only person who made me realize I wasn't fighting for me anymore
I didn't have to fight
I just always felt like I needed to
Loving you was the easiest thing I could do to heal the most unfixable parts of my soul
I rest peacefully knowing you're always by my side
I can finally cheat on fear and sleep with love
You are the only man who taught me how to daydream
Every waking moment I'm with you is like a dream
One I'd like to put myself in a coma for
Love was our biggest enemy
I like to think sometimes I can catch you daydreaming too