"STOOOP"i screamed as loud as i could and jumped up shaking, my heart was pounding in my chest sooo fast and tears started ran down my face.
I just sat there crying with my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. Honestly im surprised that i still have tears in me.I was there until my breath started slow down and i stopped shaking.
I've had the same nightmares every night. At first i was terrified about that i dont have anyone to call but then i slowly used to it and learned how to calm myself down....a bit..
I stayed home for 2 days because i really started to feel sick. Probably its because i havent eaten anything since i ran home from the school or because my depression started to come back....i dont know..
Then i grabbed my phone to check the time but then i realized, i havent looked it since billie and mia started bombing me with calls and messages on monday.
I pressed the button and waited for it to turn on.
At first I thought i could get some rest and ran away all of my problems for a little in these 2 days but my mom did a great job to ruin it.
#flashback#
I went down the livingroom to grab my laptop before my mom saw me and starts to yell at me for no reason.
I was about to grab it when..
"what are you doing here?"she asked VERY drunkely.
i rolled my eyes as i heard her voice "grab my laptop?"
"ohh so you too sick to go...... to swuool but you can watcsh movies all day?!"I barely understood what she was saying because she was so focused on not to fall.
i rolled my eyes and started walking away.
"DONT YOU FUCKING DARE WALK AWAY WHEN IM TALKING TO YOU"she yelled after me
"why not??! you cant even talk!"i raised my voice and turned around.
"OH now you can yell?!" she came closer.
"I didnt yell" I rolled my eyes for the billionth time.
"I swear if you speak to me like that ever again i will kill you" she yelled in my face.
I couldnt control myself anymore, it was too much."LIKE WHATT?? YOU DONT EVEN CARE ABOUT ME WHY THE FUCK YOU CARE HOW I TALK TO YOU OR WHAT IM DOING??! YOU DONT DO SHIT ALL DAY JUST DRINK-"she slapped me as hard as she could but then she lost her balance and fell on the ground.
Her reflex wasnt the best after 3 bottle of wine so she hit the ground with her nose.
I immadiately helped her up but i almost passed away when i saw her blood everywhere.
" Omg mom are you okay??" I asked worriedly.
"dont call me that you little piece of shit. Its all your fault." she tried to wipe her blood away but it didnt stop so she somehow stood up and made her way to the bathroom.
I fealt my tears started burning my eyes but i need to hold it back until i go up to my toom.
I never let anybody to see me cry especially my mom and my brother. I dont want them to think im weak.
Its weird because im not afraid of it when im with billie.... i literally met her less than 2 weeks ago and she already saw me cry.... more than once...BUT I dont know..... I feel like.... I dont have to fake myself in front of her...she understand me and always let me cry as long as i need to... she is the one person that i can feel safe with... Anyways its over.... i cant do this to her....
I've never felt this with Mia because even if i told her everything...... well ALMOST everything.... I've always had a little feeling in me that said she will look at me different after.
