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I had to get it over with. I had to talk to Louis and I knew it would tear us both apart.
Over the years, I'd developed a skill for shoving my feelings down deep inside me. When I was little, I imagined a place like a dungeon because that's where all the bad feelings were kept. If I got punished, those unhappy feelings went in there. When I was sick and wanted someone to hold me, I put my sadness in there. And when my parents said no to a wish or desire that I had, I would be upset, but then I'd put the sadness away, figuring that my parents knew best and my feelings about it were not appropriate.
I had become somewhat of a pro at stepping outside of myself and just doing what I was told or what had to be done. It was almost like watching a clone do the perfect song and dance for mommy and daddy while I sat back and watched her live my life.
I would detach my feelings for Louis in the same way and banish them to the dungeon. It wouldn't be any more difficult than when my parents wouldn't allow me to bring Veronica with us when we went to Club Med a few years back. I knew I'd be bored out of my skull and I knew my parents would live it up, leaving me to fend for myself. It was standard protocol for most trips, especially when we went to resorts and the like. They always told me there would be plenty of kids around that I should go find someone to play with. If I didn't make friends, they would get mad at me and tell me that I wasn't trying hard enough. When they made the reservations, I had a few weeks to think up my scheme for getting them to let me bring Veronica along. When I finally proposed the idea to them, very thoughtfully and respectfully, they just said no. No explanation, nothing. When I tried to protest or even to ask why, my mother told me that I was out of line and I'd better stop being so selfish. I wasn't allowed to cry about such things, at least not in front of them, so I had gone to my room and cried for hours. But then, I cut off the bad feelings and shoved them down into the deep pit inside of me,
Talking to Louis would be no different.
I woke up early, not wanting to talk to him while he was on the job. I made my way to his room without being detected. I knocked lightly and I heard shuffling from inside the apartment. Soon, he opened the door, his eyes bleary and his hair messy from sleep. He was only wearing athletic shorts, and I desperately wanted to touch him, but that's when I stepped outside of myself and let my clone do her work.
Louis smiled and said, "Good morning." He pulled me inside and shut the door. Then he leaned in to kiss me, but I took a step back. He looked at me with concern and asked, "What's up?"
"We can't do this. I'm sorry if you got the wrong idea, but I'm going to marry Richard, so you and I can't see each other anymore." My voice was even, emotionless, robotic.
Anger flashed in his eyes. "What did he say to you?! I know you don't love him! I saw it in your eyes when you kissed me." He stepped closer to me, and tried to put his hand on my cheek, but I batted it away. His voice softened. "I know you feel something for me, don't deny it."
