The Underground

Chapter 30: Daddy

I approached my father the following afternoon. As long as I was being the rebellious kid, I figured I might as well talk to him about Harvard. Nothing like waiting til the last minute, since I was supposed to start in a little over a month.

He was hard at work in his office. I remember when I was little, sometimes I would come in with my dolls or other toys and play quietly on the floor. He used to keep a small stash of children's books on his shelf. And when he would take a break, he would pull me onto his lap and read to me.

“Knock, knock,” I said, poking my head into the office.

Daddy looked up and smiled. “What's up, Baby Cakes?”

I grinned at his silly nickname. “Do you have a few minutes to talk?”

“I always have time for you,” he said, waving me in.

I sat down and shifted back and forth nervously. I didn't exactly know how to start.

“Well?” He asked, giving me a questioning smile.

I paused to think of how I wanted to say it. Finally I just blurted it out. “I don't want to go to Harvard.” As soon as it was out of my mouth, I bit my lip and braced myself for his wrath.

Instead, he just sat back in his chair. He looked at me for a long time, probably trying to figure out what to say, or whether I was even serious.

“Well, sweetie, we've always planned on Harvard. Why didn't you say something sooner?”

“I just didn't want to disappoint you. But since I've already done that, I guess one more disappointment won't hurt.” I looked down at my hands, feeling genuinely sad that I was going to let my father down again.

He was unusually quiet. I felt like I could hear his anger in the silence. I hated this. I hated feeling like I was just a failure in the eyes of my parents. Sure, my mom was brutally controlling, and I was just starting to realize that the main reason I put up with her shit for so long, and played the good little girl, was that I just wanted her to approve of me. With my dad, he was always much more affectionate and accepting, but I knew this had to break his heart. I was getting good at breaking hearts, it seemed.

I wanted to please my father, but not because I was afraid of him, but because I loved him and respected him. It was kind of sickening to me to admit that I could no longer say the same about my mother.

I choked back a sob, not wanting my father to see me cry.

He came around the desk and knelt in front of me. When he pulled me into an embrace, I lost it and started sobbing on his shoulder. “Hey, hey now, you tell me what's really going on. You haven't been yourself this whole summer. The transition to college can be daunting. Is there anything else going on?”

“I just feel like I don't know who I am anymore, or what I want. You and mom have always planned everything for me. I mean, I'm not complaining or...” I stopped, worrying that I was going to get in trouble for talking back.

“It's time for you to start making some of your own decisions, huh? Live your own life a little?” He asked.

I wiped my eyes and looked up at him with surprise. “Yes, yes, that's it exactly.”

“Well, then I guess I can't stand in the way of that because you're an adult now. But how about this? Why don't you move to Boston in the fall with your servants, but you don't have to start college right away. You can just go and get a feel for living on your own, finding your own way, and then you can start second semester. If you really hate Harvard after the first year, then we'll come up with something else. And if you really hate Boston, you can always come home."