The White Wolf

XXXVII

Death affects people in many ways. For some, it is a reoccurring nightmare, sending shockwaves throughout your body. This was something Ava had already become familiar with after losing Bucky. For others, it's new and erupting, crushing their hearts to dust. Some people are numb to death, and move on with their lives. Many people she loved had died, and yet, the feeling never went away. The hollow grave in her gut. What hurts the most about losing someone is the grief that follows. The irony of grief is that the person you need to talk to about how you feel is no longer there. Death, loss, grief- it leaves a heartache that no one can ever truly heal. People say it gets better over time but no. It doesn't. It hurts just as much each time it hits you, you just go longer and longer between each train wreck.

But losing Nat- it was like ripping off a fresh band-aid, opening up the gaping hole in her chest that Natasha herself had worked so diligently to try to close after it had been torn open during the snap. How many people did she have to lose? Was it her destiny to feel such pain? Ava wasn't sure anymore. All she was sure of, was that she couldn't handle losing anyone else anymore. Her shoulders trembled, like a quake in the Earth, as Steve held her close to his side. He kept an arm around her while he held in his own tears, trying to be strong for everyone as they processed what had happened- what Clint had told them. 

"To get the Soul Stone, we had to make a trade. A soul for a soul. One of us had to lose something we love in order to be worthy of the Soul Stone. The... floating red guy said so. He was the keeper of the Soul Stone, or whatever. I tried to stop her. I tried... but she was better than me. She beat me and she- she went off the ledge, and I couldn't save her."

Ava's tears were silent, but the weight of each soundless sob was no less than if she had been screaming. 

"Do we know if she had family?" Tony asked quietly, staring down at the wooden boards of the dock below their feet, one foot up on the bench. 

Steve ran his hand up and down Ava's back to try to comfort her, knowing she and Nat were close. Ava knew there was family. Her sister. Natasha's younger sister Yelena. And Clint knew too. But Natasha didn't want anyone else to know about her. And, they had no idea how to reach out to her, nor did they have the time. So they kept Nat's secret. Steve took a breath before he looked up at Tony. "Yeah. Us."

Bruce stared out at the water with his back to everyone, his arms crossed. Clint was leaning against the frame of the overhead gazebo, biting at his lip to keep from crying still. Thor paced back and forth between all of them, fists clenching and unclenching over and over again. "What?" He paused when he heard Steve, looking over at them with a scoff. "What are you doing?"

"I just asked him a question." Tony said, standing up all the way to talk to Thor.

"Yeah, no, you're acting like she's dead." Thor muttered. "Why are we acting like she's dead? We have the stones, right? As long as we have the stones, Cap, we can bring her back, isn't that right? So stop this sh*t- get it together. We're the Avengers." He spewed out. Ava closed her eyes, shaking her head as another wave of tears made its way onto her cheeks. Thor was directing his anger at the group, but they all knew he was mostly talking to himself as he held back his own tears. Everyone felt this loss. 

Clint opened his eyes, looking out at the water with a frown. "We can't get her back."

"W-what?" Thor turned on his heel to scowl at Clint.

"It can't be undone." He said, voice mellow, and turned his head toward Thor. "It can't."

Thor began to laugh, shaking his mop-like head at the other Avenger. "No, I'm sorry- No offense, but, you're a very Earthly being, okay? And we're talking about space magic. The word 'can't' seems very definitive. Don't you think?"