I HATE My Brother (Royce)

Chapter 37 (short)

(Later that Night)

Jacob's P.O.V

It was around 11 and i wanted to go to sleep but i couldnt. Chres wont let me out of site now that he knows i did what i did. It was just so much pressure and stress being put on me and it made me mad and depressed and sad all at once. And That isnt a good mix. I was in my bed on instagram since i couldnt go to sleep. I just scrolled down my news feed liking pictures of people. I felt Chres shift in his sleep and i looked down at him. He was laying on my chest. I was rubbing his baby curls but then i stopped when he fell asleep. I went back to instagram when my phone vibrated.

BahjaFam💘🙈: you up ?

JacobJacob🔐: no 😴

I replied back, rolled my eyes and set my phone down. She almost ruined my relationship with chres. Blood wise and real relationship wise. I get its wrong but i honestly cant help how i feel. Just think about it made me stress. I felt Chre's hands touch my side where my cuts were. I sighed and ran my fingers through his hair as he slept peacefully. I was bored out of my mind but then again this was a good time just have to myself and thing. I grabbed my beats off if my dresser and out them on listening to Nobody Knows by August Alsina. This was the song i always listened to, to clear my mind.

Nobody knows what I go through
Wish you could put yourself inside my shoes
You got friends that ain't friends no more
They don't understand the life I chose
See the money and the fame
It can hurt everything you love
Got some people that depend on me
And I can't give up
They don't know what I'm going through
They don't know what I'm going through

[Verse 1:]
Nobody saw the struggle they just see the reward
They focused on the peace but they never saw the war
Homies I started with ain't make it till the end
They used to be my niggas now we ain't friends
Long as I'm putting niggas on it be all good
Soon as I tell them that I can't they're the first to go
I see 'em trying to come around since I'm out the hood
But I see 'em being fake so I let 'em know
I got to let 'em know-

I pause the song wiping my tears. Im such a cry baby. Everything is just coming at me to fast. Im really trying my hardest not to shut everyone out but its so hard. Its easier to shut everyone out. My moms gone so i have no one to tell me that its ok or that she's always going to be there for me because she's not. My childhood rapist wants me to forgive him which i cant do because he hurt me so bad. A girl who could possibly be crazy as hell trying to get me to be hers and on top if that i got my scholarship taken away from NYU because of my low exam scores. I passed but i didn't pass with the best if my ability. So i would have to pay the WHOLE fee.

I dont want to tell Chres because i dont want him to be disappointed in me. I slid out of Chres's grip and hopped up walking downstairs. I sat on the couch and thought. What to do ? I feel so empty. I cant even love the person i love in public and trust me it doesnt feel good. I stood us walking into the kitchen grabbing a glass cup and the bottle of wine. Im not going to drink my problems away if thats what you think. At least I dont think i am. I sighed and opened the bottle dumping it in the sink. Even though i want it i dont need it.

Chres: JACOB

I jumped and yelled turning around holding my chest.

Me: Jesus dont scare me like th-

Chres: what were you doing ?!

Me: i was just-

Chres: just what ?! About to get a drink ! Didnt i tell you to leave shit like that alone !

Me: yes but-

Chres: Why are you so fucking hard headed ?! Im tryna help you cause i love you !

I took a deep breath. Im tired.. Im stressed and i just want to throw some shit. I was a ticking time bomb and i think it was time for me to explode.

Me: love me ?! YOU FUCKING LOVE ME ? YOU HATED ME FOR 99.9% OF MY CHILDHOOD ! YOU CAUSE MY STRESS ! IM HARD HEADED BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO HAVE MY GUARD UP AROUND YOU ! Y-YOU WOULD BREAK MY BONES, FRACTURE THEM, PUNCH ME, KICK ME, CALL ME NAMES AND NOT EVEN CARE ! YOU ACTED LIKE I WAS SOME FUCKING STRANGER TRYING TO STEEL YOUR WEED OR SOMETHING !

I paused trying to calm my nerves. He had part in this to. I know he's sorry but sorry isnt going to take back those years i could have spent with my brother.

Me:.... You stopped talking to me leaving my clueless ! That one night turned my life into hell. It was already hell but you just had to add on to it. That day you came in my he grabbed Alex's favorite wooden baseball bat and he hit me.... YOU HIT ME ! YOU BROKE MY LEFT RIB AND YOU KNOW HOW LONG THAT HURT ? NO CAUSE I COULD NEVER BRING MYSELF TO HURT YOU LIKE THAT !

His eye's were watery and my salty tears fell down hitting my chest.

Me: dont you dare cry. Its your fault. I did nothing to you, and you beat me with a bat. Id rather you use your fist but no it was a bat... Better yet it was the nigga who had raped me bat and you knew that. I forgave you... I been did that, but this whole time you believed it was Ma's death, Bahja, Alex and all these other people that put the stress on me. No its you. You make me do things im not comfortable with doing.

He let a tear slip then wiped it away.

Chres:....... I was just trying to help

Me: i know and im grateful but sometimes you have to let me do things my way Chres. Not always yours.

Chres: but you dont understand that your way could kill you. Your so selfish and you dont even know it. You cut. You know how deep that hurts me ? Deeper then you would ever know. If mom was here she'd hate to see you like this but not more than me. Yes i made your childhood hell, but do you know how sorry i am and how i wish i could take it back ? You always talk about dieing and how no one would miss you and shit but guess what. Id miss you because i love you. If i didnt id let you drink your problems away. Id let you smoke weed all day and not give a fuck about you going off to college. Im your big brother and i swear its my only dream to see you make it, with or without me.

I looked down at my feet. I didnt know i was being selfish. I didnt really consider his feelings or anyone else. Just my own. I felt his hand interwind with mine and i looked up.

Chres: stop crying. There is no need to.

Me: i just dont want you to be disappointed in me or the decisions i make.

Chres: im not. I just wanna be there for you. If im not here to see another day then i'll be watching over you making sure the next nigga treat you right.

Me: dont say that. Your not gonna leave me. Even if i gotta take a bullet for you.

Chres: i wouldnt let you do that no matter how much you wanted to.

He smiled and i smiled back. He wiped my cherks with his thumbs and kissed my lips.

Chres: i love you

Me: i love you to

I pecked his lips once more. I was super lucky to have him or else id be a mess.

TBCCCCCCC VOTE/COMMMENT

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