When We're Older- The Maze Runner (Newt)

my angel

uh yeah grab tissues it's gonna be a long chapter

MAE

   I love you, Newt. I love you so much.

   I should've known what I was getting myself into before letting myself fall in love. A life of danger, where one of us could lose the other in the simple snap of a finger.

   I should've stayed with you. Maybe then that would give you enough time to get to Brenda. She should've given you the temporary serum. Then we could've flown to WICKED and gotten the real thing, without you being hurt. Without a knife lodged into your stomach.

   I should've thought about what would happen instead of just running away as soon as I figured out the cure.

   And I feel disgusted with myself that I may have cost you your life all because I left you. Unprotected, with Thomas, without any idea of where I was headed to, or when I was going to be back. I never wanted you to be hurt, by anyone or anything. Now here you are, laying on the floor. Hurt. I accidently orchestrated what I thought, was a good thing.

   Because I love you so much, I put you in this position. I never thought that love was a bad thing. I always thought that it was perpetual and nothing but a good thing in any circumstance.

   But that's not true.

   I destroyed you simply by loving you, and I had no idea.

   I'm so sorry, angel.

   I don't get to play the victim. I don't get to cry and tell you that I gave you everything I had by literally risking my life for you once again. Because that's not the point. The point is that you gave me everything you had and I didn't cherish it as much as I should have or I would've stayed with you. The whole time I was telling myself that I was putting you and your needs first. But I wasn't. I put mine first without even knowing it. All I knew was that I couldn't lose another person. I never thought about how much you needed me to stay with you in those moments.

   What an idiot I am.

   I'm an idiot, Newt. And I hate that I put you through pain when all you wanted was for me to stay with you. Now I'm holding you as the clock begins to tick once again, this time counting the minutes that you have left on this terrible earth. But that's the thing. It was never really as terrible as it seemed with you. And maybe I took that a bit too much for granted.

   Now, I'm scared.

   I'm scared of what all of this means. If the knife will win, or if you will somehow fight like you always seem to do, even with so little strength left in you. I admire you so much for that, Newt. I'm scared that I'll never be able to tell you that I love you again. Because I really, really love you. I'm scared that I'll never see that angelic smile form across your features, or hear that soul lifting laugh that lights up the room every single time. I'm scared that I'll live the rest of my life missing you—blaming your death on myself.

   I'm so scared.

   "What?" The words hit me like a bullet in the heart.

   Her sentence echoing in my head, I stared back at her, unable to move. I was scared that if I moved, I would somehow hurt Newt more. Maybe move the knife farther into his stomach so that it hit major internal organs. If I breathed, the knife would shift and he would cry out in agony. So I stayed still.

   My heart was pounding against my ribcages, and I could hear it in my ears as well. Like someone constantly hitting a wooden door, it became louder with the second, watching in slow motion as Minho ran forward, signaling for someone behind him to help.