Y/n and Jake followed Holt out of the precinct.
"Well, well, if it isn't Captain Raymond Jacob Holt. It's great to see you back at the Nine-Nine, sir" said Jake.
"Yes" said Holt.
"There it is, that classic Jake Holt banter, zingers just flying around. It's like you never left" said Jake.
"No, I most definitely left" said Holt.
"Okay" you said.
"Well, I know how much you love hot goss, so you probably heard y/n and I have been dating" Jake said.
"Sir, the Vulture is out of control. He told Jake that if he didn't dump me, Jake would be demoted" you said.
"You have to help us" said Jake.
"Let me stop you both right there. I'm not the Chief of Detectives. I'm not the Vulture's boss. I'm just some guy in PR" said Holt.
"But we thought - " you said.
"I can't save your ass. I don't work here anymore. And the sooner you accept that, the better" Holt said, walking away."
"Well, looks like somebody's got a bad case of the funeral crankies" Jake said.
--------------------
At Dozerman's funeral.
"Okay, guys. I know Captain Dozerman was a nightmare and that none of us liked him. But I'm gonna need all of you to pretend like you're sad. Everyone make a sad face" said Terry to the squad. "Scully, you are nailing it!"
"My wife just texted. She's leaving me" said Scully.
"Good. Use it. Now, anyone seen Captain Holt? He seemed a little down when he came in" asked Terry as Hitchcock comforted Scully.
"Yeah, he let me choose the music on the way over here, which leads me to believe he's given up on life" Gina said.
"I got to go find him. Now, be respectful and grieve your asses off" Terry said.
"I don't know why this is happening" said Scully, crying.
"Scully, I love it! Everyone, follow his lead" said Terry.
Everyone apart from y/n and Jake walked away.
"So, what are we gonna do about the Vulture?" you asked.
"I've got a new plan. Pretend like we're talking" said Jake.
"We are talking" you said.
"Exactly. It's working already. Now, I'm going to cooly run my hands through my hair. Look where my elbow's pointing" said Jake.
Y/n looked where Jake's elbow was pointing. Y/n gasped. "It's Davis Garmin, Chief of Detectives. Holt said he could overrule the Vulture."
"Exactly. The only question now is, will he believe us?" asked Jake.
"Yes, 'cause we're gonna take a page from the Vulture's book" you said.
"'The Big Book of Small Butts'?" asked Jake.
"What?" you asked.
"It's the only thing I've ever seen him read" said Jake.
"No, not literally. We're gonna secretly record the Vulture telling you to dump me. Then we'll play it for Chief Garmin. Then - " you said.
"We're gonna totally have sex on top of each other" said Jake.
"You get to keep your job" you said.
"Yes, that" said Jake.
--------------------
Jake pressed the recording button on his phone, put his phone in his pocket and walked over to the Vulture. "Hey, Captain. I was looking for you inside."
"One thing I won't do is fart in church. This is God's house" said the Vulture.
"Oh. Respectful" Jake said. "So listen, remember when you said to me that I have to dump l/n or else you're gonna bust me down to beat cop?"
"What I remember, Jake, is you pretending to be my bro and me being like 'I'm onto you, dillweed.'" Bagpipes began to play loudly as the Vulture continued to talk as the bagpiper walked over to Jake and the Vulture.
"Oh, uh, sorry, could you say that one more time?" asked Jake as the bagpipes stopped. "I couldn't hear you over the bagpipes."
Just as the Vulture began to speak again, the bagpiper started to play.
"Ugh, one second. Excuse me, could you stop playing that? Just trying to have a conversation" said Jake.
"I'm warming up, man. Sorry" said the bagpiper.
"Yeah, I know. We just need two minutes" said Jake.
"No can do. The funeral's about to start. Everyone wants to hear me honk, so..." the bagpiper said.
"Do you really need to warm up though? I mean, you're just gonna make a terrible wall of sound" said Jake.
"First of all, that's offensive to me as half Scottish. Second of all, do you think you could do better?" asked the bagpiper, offering Jake the bagpipes. "Blow my bag."
"Look, we just need a couple of minutes to chat. That's it" Jake said.
"I'm not gonna stop playing until you blow it" the bagpiper said.
"All right, just give it to me" Jake said. He took the bagpipes. "All right. Prepare to hear me play the bagpipes perfectly." Jake blew into the bagpipes and the sound came out sounding like a screaming cat. "Point proven."
"Yeah, I think I've heard just about enough of this catfight. I'm out" said the Vulture, walking away.
"Wait, Captain! Sir!" said Jake as the Vulture walked towards y/n.
"Your boyfriend - Sorry, your ex-boyfriend is pathetic. You should be glad I ordered him to dump you. Swish, Kobe" said the Vulture to you.
You stopped recording on your phone. "Got it."
"Yes! You're amazing!" said Jake, blowing into the bagpipes. "That was 'We are the Champions.'"
YOU ARE READING
Brooklyn 99: Jake Peralta x Reader
Fanfiction"We kissed, like, three hours ago" said Jake. "Yes, we did kiss... For reals" you said. "For reals, reals" Jake said. "Listen, I know you said you don't want to date cops, but I really like you." "I like you too" you said. Seasons 3 and 4 of Brookly...
