It Could Be A Whole Lot Worse Sweetheart

Chapter 7: Why

I woke up the next morning and genuinely wanted to die. I hated my life and I had no idea why. I usually got random bursts where I wanted to die but it came and went. I decided to take a shower. Mainly cause I knew that there was that razor blade in there. I sat in the water and began to use the blade to cut my wrists. Over over again. When I was first doing it I would cry non stop. Now. Now I didn't even feel the pain. I looked at the cuts and did start to cry. I turned the water off and sat there. I laid back and just cried. I hated myself so much and I didn't know why. I heard the front door open and someone come in. "Maddy are you in the bathroom" I heard Sherry say. I stay quiet for a second. "Maddy. Can I come in" she said I grabbed the white towel and covered my body. "Sure" I said laying there. "Oh my god what happened did you fall" she asked. sitting on the edge. "No. Just laid down" I said looking down tears threatening to pour out at any second. "Can I help you" she said reaching her hand out. I took it and some blood dripped on the floor from my wrist. "Maddy. I thought you stopped." she said. The blood was in the tub and everywhere. "I need to get Negan" she said grabbing the blade and walking out. I heard the door open. "Negan I was going to come find you" I heard her say. "What happened" he said. "She cut again" she said. I started to cry. I heard the door open and close and heard heavy footsteps coming through the hall. "Maddy" Negan said. "What" I said pissed off. "Can I come in" he said. "Whatever" I said. He walked in and looked at me. "Why" he asked. "Cause I wanted to" I said looking up at him. "Get out of the tub" he said. I hesitantly agreed and stood up and kept the towel around me. "I thought you were over this" he said looking at me. "You really think suicide takes a break" I said glaring at him. "So you wanna die" he said. "Yeah. I have for a long ass time now" I said. He sighed and sat a gun on the counter. "Well if its what you really want then why don't you" he said. I looked at him then at the gun. I shrugged and picked it up and without hesitation held it to my head. He grabbed it before I could pull the trigger though. "Why do you wanna kill yourself" he said. "Cause. I mean look at me. Have you seen me" I said. "Yeah I fucked you I kinda know what you look like" he said. "Yeah. I hate my body. This world and the fact that you took me away from my own family" I said tearing up. He was silent. "I have been suicidal ever since my mom died. I had to put her down. With Carl next to me and Judith in Maggie's arms" I said sitting down. Negan stood there before sitting next to me. He grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him. I have never seen him be comforting towards someone. I cried into his chest and eventually calmed down. "Get dressed" he said standing up. I nodded and he left me clothes and he was gone. A few minutes later he came back in. "Lets go" he said. "Where to" I asked confused walking towards him. "Alexandria. I wanna show your dad how shitty of a job he has done." Negan said. I didnt know what to do. Do I disagree do I stay quiet or run. I was panicking.

The entire drive home was me thinking about all the ways my dad could be ashamed of me. He once told the story to me and my mom about a little girl cutting and said she did it for attention. I never told him I cut and never planned on it. I didn't even realize when we got there. Negan shook me and I snapped back to reality. "C'mon" he said getting out. I hesitantly agreed and left the truck. Negan's men and even Daryl got out of the truck as well. The gate slowly opened and I saw my dad and everyone. The entire community standing there. "It's barely been a week" my dad said looking at me. "Yeah well not here for supplies. Also hows life without that dip shit Spencer. Your bullet maker and the other girl" Negan said to taunt my dad. My dad didn't say anything. "Well did Carl tell you anything when he returned" Negan said. "Yeah he did" My dad said looking at me. Directly at me. I sighed and lowered my head. "Well I wanna say you are a shitty fucking father Rick" Negan said. My dad looked confused and Negan came up behind me. He took my flannel off revealing my cuts. "There are plenty more where those came from" Negan said. "Can I talk to her alone please" my dad said. "Sure" Negan said. I followed my dad to our house. "Hi dad" I said. "You slept with him really Maddy" he said. "Yeah. I did" I said looking down. "How. He killed Glenn and Abraham. And you sleep with him" he said raising his voice. "I'm sorry" I said. "No you know what you are. A slut. A slut who craves attention from him and is to selfish about your own needs to care about the friends who were just slaughtered in front of you" he said. He never lashes out like this. "Yeah dad call me a slut. Cause i did fuck Negan. I also fucked Daryl fun fact. I'm going home" I said turning away. "You are home" he said angrily. "No. I'm going back with him. And don't plan on coming back" I said leaving. I walked to the front and saw Carl walk up to me. "You ok" he asked. I nodded and went up to Negan. "Take me home" I said. Negan chuckled and looked around. "Your wish is my command" he said. Then we were off.