It Could Be A Whole Lot Worse Sweetheart

Chapter 16: I need to know

I walked into the room and slammed the door. I leaned against it. I wasn't pissed that Negan was alive, I was pissed that I was falling in love with him. That was never supposed to happen. I sat on my bed for a second before hearing his footsteps coming. I leaned back and covered my face with my hands. I heard the door open, but I didn't move. "Laura tells me you took charge while I was gone" Negan said. I moved my hands and sat up. "Yeah" I said while letting out a sigh. I didn't want to look up at him. "Your dad wouldn't want you to be the one in charge. With you in control it would be over for him" he said. I didn't respond. I only nodded. "You look tired" he said. I stood up. He grabbed my arm and tried to kiss me. But I backed away. He looked confused. "You never answered me earlier. So until I know where you stand everything we had is off. I need to know before I just decided to be with you" I said pulling my arm free. Negan looked slightly pissed off. "What do you want from me Maddy" he said. "I want you to stop playing with my feelings. Tell me how you truly feel about me. You obviously feel something or else you wouldn't have went out of your way to talk to me right now." I said. "Jesus Christ" he said walking to the door. "Yeah, run away from your feelings like the bitch you are" I yelled. "I'm not running away from them. You are nothing to me. I don't love you. You were nothing but sex to me" he said. I was kind of shocked but expected it. A tear fell from my face. "Get the hell out of here. Go fuck your wives. Leave me the fuck alone" I said. He stared at me and left slamming the door. I ran up and locked it before sliding down the door in tears. I put my head between my knees and just cried. Quietly. 

About 30 minutes passed before I stood up and walked to grab clothes. I walked into my bathroom and stood there. I looked at the knife in my holster and sat it on the counter. I grabbed a bottle of vodka out of the mini fridge I had. I started to drink it. Without a care in the world. I sat the bottle on the counter and took the knife. I looked down at my wrists before sighing. I held it up to my wrists and slowly carved a few thin lines into my skin. Blood dripped from my wrist onto the floor. I sat the knife back on the counter and drank some more of the alcohol. I took the bottle and chucked it at my wall. Already slightly tipsy from the amount I drank I turned the shower on. I undressed and sat against the wall inside the shower. Wrists still bleeding. Water running off my body. I closed my eyes and just leaned my head back. 

After my shower I got clothes on and laid on my bed. Avoiding the broken glass in my bathroom. The blood on my floor and sink. The dirty clothes on the floor. I laid there staring at my ceiling. I sat up and reached for my water noticing that I had no more paper on my desk. "Damn" I got up and walked downstairs where the paper was kept. I had to pass Grace's room and could here her and Negan. Together. I stopped for a second before quickly grabbing the paper and going back upstairs. I threw it on the desk, relocked the door, and laid back down. I closed my eyes and finally eventually fell asleep. 

I woke up but I felt sick. Weirdly sick. I stood up and ran into my bathroom. Forgetting the glass was there. Somehow, I missed it though. I like I figured threw up almost as soon as I got in there. After a few seconds I backed up. I leaned against the wall and just sat there. I stood back up and looked at the clock. 5:39 in the morning. "What the hell" I said to myself. I laid back in bed and fell asleep again. Thinking it was just the alcohol that made me sick. 

I woke up to someone walking around my room. I opened my eyes and saw Negan. "What are you doing in here" I said sitting up. "You look like you had fun" he said. I had a massive headache so I was trying not to pay attention to the light he had on. "Broken vodka bottle, blood drips with a bloody knife. Puke on the floor, water, clothes" he said. "Why do you care" I said grabbing clothes. He didn't respond. "Stay in there I'm changing" I said. I took off my tank top and put on a t-shirt. I turned around to see him watching me. "Really" I said. "Nothing I haven't seen before" he said. I rolled my eyes and finished getting changed.  "I'm going to Hilltop today. Put them in there place." I said grabbing and putting my shoes on. He just nodded. "What are you really doing in here" I said standing in front of him. "Don't need a reason do I" he asked. "Well for you to come in here after last night there is obviously a reason. So what is it" I asked. "You should get going to Hilltop. Either go alone or bring a team" he said. "I'm bringing the same people that always go to Hilltop" I said. He left. Shutting the door behind him. I grabbed my knife and put it in my holster. I looked at my self in the mirror and sighed. I put my hair in a pony tail and left. 

I finally got to Hilltop and we all got out of our trucks. I saw Gregory walking out to us. I also saw Maggie walking out. "Which one of you are in charge" I said looking at both of them. "Maggie is" I heard Jesus say. I looked at him then back to her. "Come on Maggie lets talk" I said. She took me back to her room. "How's the baby" I said sitting down with her. "Last I checked fine. But you took my doctor" she said. "Maggie I'm sorry. For Glenn. For everything. But my dad is a dick. So I settled into a life that was better then before." I said. "What do you want Maddy" she asked. "If your smart you will stop Hilltop from fighting with Alexandria. And Kingdom. You have the best chance of going on after this. Rick, not so much." I said. She didn't respond. "Why should I take your advice and listen to you after you betrayed not only your father but me" she said. I didn't respond at first. "Your sleeping with the man who killed my husband. He is the reason my baby will never meet it's father. And you completely abandoned your father and brothers. Judith" She said. I sighed. "I'm not sleeping with him. Not anymore anyway. But believe what you want. But I do suggest you back Hilltop away from the fight." I said leaving. I walked back to the team and they had finished getting the supplies and were ready to go back. "Let's head out" I said. And that was it. We left. Back to the Sanctuary.