I'm Just The Drummer | Lashton

Chapter 28: Don't Want To Be Alone

Alone by SWS relates very well to Ashton's mood. And it's amazing.

I pushed past people to get out of the club so I could hear myself think. Tears were falling more and more rapidly down my face as I kept seeing Luke's heartbroken face in my mind. He probably hated me so much right now, adding to the never ending list of haters. 

The banging of the music from inside of the club was still pretty loud, but I could actually hear myself think out here. I leaned back against the brick wall, letting the tears fall freely. Part of me was angry at Jack for even bringing Angel over to me. But the majority of me was furious with myself for even bothering to acknowledge her and letting it happen in the first place. Because of my stupidity, I may have lost my boyfriend for good and I needed him more than anything. 

When I calmed down for the most part, I took my phone out of my pocket and dialed Luke's number, hoping to God that he would answer. All I needed was to talk to him and explain myself so he wouldn't completely hate me like he did. I couldn't have him hate me. He was the only thing that I wanted to live for. 

"Hey, it's Hemmo. Leave a message," Luke's voicemail answered, making me curse and cry harder.

"Luke, p-please, it w-wasn't what it l-looked like. P-Please, just l-let me explain," I said, trying to be somewhat audible. 

I hung up the phone and wiped my eyes with the heel of my hands. I didn't know what to do or where to go, but I did know that I didn't want to go back in that damn club. I wanted to find Luke. That's all I wanted to do, but I didn't know where to go in order to do that. The only place I could think of that Luke might go is back to the hotel, but it wouldn't surprise me if he wasn't there. 

I wiped my eyes again and got up from my squatting position, walking around the building to the front. There was a good line of people formed, waiting to get in. I stood on the curb, sticking out my arm in attempt to flag down a cab. One pulled up and before it could stop, I was already halfway in the backseat. 

"Where are we headed, mate?" the middle aged man asked, looking back at me like I was some drunk that he usually ended up picking up. 

"The Four Seasons hotel," I told him.

I was tapping both of my feet for the entire ride out of nerves and anxiety. I knew that when I found Luke, he was going to be so furious with me. He would most likely break up with me, which I expected him to do eventually anyway. I was too much of a mess for him, so at least he had a reason to get rid of me now. 

We pulled up in front of the hotel and I felt my heart race faster and faster. "Wait for me. Please." 

Once I got up to the room, I shoved the key in and pushed open the door, hoping to see Luke trashing the room or something. But instead, I was greeted with pure darkness. I turned on the main light, just to check in all of the rooms to make sure that he wasn't purposely hiding on me. But they were all dark and empty. I was the only one occupying the 5SOS suite. 

I started to hyperventalate and then started crying again. It was my fault this happened. I let Angel kiss me. I could have pulled back, but I was dumb and didn't. I don't even know why I didn't. I'm for sure gay and love Luke. I'm a terrible boyfriend. I don't deserve someone as genuine and loving as Luke Hemmings. 

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I was sitting on my bed, still the only one in the hotel room. It had been at least three hours since I had gotten home. I called Luke at least fifty times, each time getting the voicemail. I was just sitting there, crying, calling, and watching the clock tick by as I waited and waited for my boyfriend- or ex boyfriend- to come back. 

My wrists and thighs were aching to be scratched, but I was trying my hardest not to. I had to try and stay strong, for Luke. Though, it was getting to the point where the overwhelming urge was getting too much. If Luke didnt come back or call or something soon, I was going to be on the bathroom floor with blood dripping down my arms. 

As I blinked away the tears, my phone beeped with a text. I nearly fell off the bed as I grabbed it off of the nightstand. What if it was Luke? Did he want to talk to me? Was he breaking up with me or was he going to let me talk? Please, God, let this be Luke. 

But no. Much to my demise, it was Calum. I read the text, his text signifying that he was obviously drunk. It made me cringe that he only wanted to know where I was probably because Michael ditched him. I deleted the message and threw the phone across the bed. The only thing I was even good for anymore was drumming in a damn band and being there for my drunk friend when his ditches him for a girl or something. I wasn't even good enough for Luke. I messed up. That's all I ever fucking do.

I opened the drawer to the nightstand, grabbing out the small box that I had hidden in the back of it. I grabbed it and went into the bathroom, hot tears falling fastly down my face. I took a seat on the floor and positioned the silver blade over the scars on my wrist. 

I was alone. This is how it's going to be from now on all because of that damn girl that I didn't even want. Michael was going to be with Calum, Luke wasn't going to talk to me ever again...it's what I deserved. I'm just a waste of space. I deserved to be alone, as much as I didn't want to be. I'm not good for anything. 

"Ashton?! Oh my God, Ashton, what are you doing?" a familiar sweet male voice said. I looked up through my tears and saw Luke rushing into the small bathroom, kneeling down next to me. "God dammit, Ash. Please, stop. Give me the razor, please. I'm begging you." 

I was full on bawling, not able to speak or do anything but just cry until my heart's content. I felt Luke trying to open my hand to get my razor out. Normally, I wouldn't have let him but it was like all of my muscles went limp. He got the razor out of my hand and then I felt him pulling me into a hug, despite the fifteen bleeding cuts on my arm. 

"L-Luke, d-don't hate m-me. P-please."

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