I'm Just The Drummer | Lashton

Chapter 14: Relapse

May 28, 2015 - Dublin, Ireland

During the past three weeks, a lot has happened. More than just the touring and occasional interviews. Luke and I have been more under the radar than we had been when we first started out, much to both of our dismay. Though, not only that, but I have been slipping back into my depression lately. It wasn't due to having to keep my boyfriend a secret; it was due to having to keep lying to people, putting on a fake smile when talking about the fans, the extreme hate I have been receiving. It was getting worse than before and I was starting to lose control of it.

Without Luke's knowledge, I had relapsed and began cutting again, but in places he wasn't going to be able to see, at least for awhile yet. Not only have I went back to cutting, but I've began to starve myself. Everyone is calling me fat and saying that I eat way more than I should, so I'm taking matters into my own hands. So far, I've lost five pounds and I started two weeks ago.

Luke doesn't know that I've been struggling with depression again and I knew he would be upset if he had known what I've been doing. So, I'm keeping it a secret. I must be good at it since I have been hiding my sexuality and relationship from the world for what feels like forever.

"Ash! Do you want to come get ice cream with me?" Luke asked, bursting in from Calum and Michael's conjoined room.

"Uh, no," I answered, going back to watching the TV.

"What? Why?" he asked, looking at me confused.

"Not hungry," I said quietly, diverting my eyes.

"Ashton, you haven't eaten all day. You have to be somewhat hungry. Are you sick?" he quizzed, getting more and more concerned.

"No, I'm just not that hungry right now," I repeated.

"Do you want to at least come with me? You don't have to get anything. We could just hang out by ourselves for a little bit," he requested.

I wanted to be alone with Luke, but I knew if I did, I would eat something and then I would be too fat again. "No, I just want to rest for a bit."

"Did I do something, Ashton?" he sighed, looking at me with sad eyes.

"No."

"Can I cuddle with you then?" he asked. "I miss you."

"Um-" I started, but before I could answer, Luke was crawling onto the bed, wrapping his arms around my torso and lying his head on my chest. I felt slightly uncomfortable, thinking that he might make a comment about how overweight I was. I tried to wriggle out of his embrace, but he just squeezed me tighter.

"Why are you trying to get away from me, Ashy?" Luke asked, hurt in his tone. "You're acting distant. Did I do something wrong?"

"N-no. I just want to be alone right now," I stuttered, avoiding his eyes. 

"But you always want to be alone when we have a little down time. I feel like you're mad at me or one of the others, or all of us," Luke pointed out. "Not to mention that you're not eating, which isn't like you at all."

"I'm fine. Can you just leave? I want to be by myself!" I told him sternly. 

I hated to get harsh with him, but he doesn't understand what I'm going through and I don't want him to sit and 'try'. I've come to conclusions that there is no way to pull out of my depression. Not even Luke could help me.

----

"You guys want to order pizza?" Michael suggested as we waited for the lift to get to our floor of the hotel. "I mean, we aren't in a hurry to get to the next city until tomorrow night, so we could just hang out and play video games or something."