I'm Just The Drummer | Lashton

Luke's Letter

*This chapter is solely Ashton's letter to Luke, who is reading it while Ashton's asleep. It will be referred to in the future and I know you all were curious, so it needed to be posted.*

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Dear Luke,

I love you. I truly do. But, much to your disappointment, this isn't a sappy love note I decided to put on your pillow. 

This is a suicide letter. 

By the time you read this, I'm probably dead. Yes, I really did kill myself and am not playing a sick joke on you. I jumped from our window while you were out with Calum and Mikey. I didn't give you a proper goodbye, but I didn't want a reason to stay in the Hell.

I wrote another letter to you, Calum, and Michael. It's in their room if you haven't read it. I told them. I told them I was depressed and that I was gay and that I'm your boyfriend. I hope you don't mind I did that. If you do, just deny it and say I'm delusional. I didn't go into grave detail about my depression or anything, so if they have questions, answer them to the best of your ability. 

I'm putting you in charge of keeping the band together. Just because I'm dead desn't mean you have to cancel ROWYSO. So many fans are looking forward to seeing you and I don't want to be the root of disappointment. Again. Nobody will care if I'm dead anyway. Don't let my absence ruin the band's first headlining tour. 

I was thinking earlier (when don't I?) and realized we don't have anything to claim as "ours". You know what I'm saying? We don't have a song, an "always", a secret place, etc. So, I wanted to claim something as ours. Something that will Lashton's (our ship name, if you didn't know). 

If it's alright with you, I want our song to be Wherever You Are. It's alright if you don't want to affliate that with me. I just thought that since we wrote it together, it would make sense. Plus, it fits us so well, especially now. Wherever you are, I love you. 

This next paragraph is going to make me sound bipolar, but believe me when I say that I'm not. I've had this thought in my head ever since we got together. I'm not blind to the fact that the majority of your feelings for me are sympathy. I know that is the main reason I'm calling you my boyfriend. You didn't want my to up and end my life, so you wanted to give me a reason to stay. I'm not angry about it, Luke. I just wanted you to be aware that I wasn't oblivious. Your efforts did work, but everything is becoming too much and I cannot mentally or physically handle it. I love you, Luke. When I say it, I mean it out of my true feelings. I really do love you.

I don't have anymore to say now. Tell my family that I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye. Tell the "fans" that I accidentally took one too many sleeping pills or something so it looks like an accidental death. I don't know how long that story will last, but...

I will all of my belongings to you, Michael, and Calum. But if they won't take care of it, I want you to have it. 

3 1/2 years. It was a great ride. 

-Ashton xx

P.S. I love you.

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Truly the saddest thing I've had to write is this damn story.