I'm too expensive

Chapter 33

(That night)

"Baby can I talk to you about something?" Violet and I were in the backyard, watching the stars that don't exist in la. It was something I would do. I liked to pretend they were there out of comfort. "Yes love?" I pulled her into my arms, watching her get closer to me. "Have you ever thought about leaving this life behind?"

"What do you mean?" I knew exactly what she meant. I think about it at least 10 times a day. "Just throwing this all away and settling down. "You're getting older. Aren't you tired of this by now?" I was, and I still am. It was only fulfilling in the beginning. Having control over a group of girls. The sex was there. The money was there. I had it all but the one thing that every human needs the most is complete happiness, and it was something I always craved in someone until I met violet. Now that I got something  to live for, I don't have to do this forever if I don't want to.

"Yeah I am but I can't just throw the girls out into the streets again and even though I don't admit it out loud, I care about them. They don't have anywhere else to go but here and I can't do that shit to them dude. Abandonment is something you can't take back once you do it to a human being. They'll remember that shit for the rest of their lives. I don't wanna be the reason that they can't get sleep at night and all I wanna do now is make things right."

"You can make things right, by letting them go billie. You haven't treated them right since they got here. You think they like getting called a bitch and a hoe every single day? You push them around and use their bodies for sex when you feel like it, as if their some kind of animals? They only do this shit so they can have a roof over their heads at night and food in their stomachs. I wouldn't have even come your way if I didn't need it to survive. I didn't have a choice and I still don't. So please don't use that as an excuse like they like it here. You made it miserable for them when you coulda just made it a loving place to begin with."

I was hurt when I started all of it. I didn't have anybody to fulfill that void I had in my heart and the only thing I could do was this. I don't enjoy hurting people anymore and I'm tired and everybody can see that clearly. "You're right. I'm done with this shit." I stood up, walking back into the house. "Group meeting!" I yelled, letting the ringing of my voice fill the air. I could hear everybody walking out of the rooms I created for them. I just know it's gonna hurt with what I'm about to say to them. "Everybody come sit. Come sit."

Violet sat next to me, rubbing the palm of my hand with her thumb. Willow smiled, sitting on the other side of me. "What's goin on dude?" They were both my support. The only people I had left that I knew in my heart, that I could trust. "You'll see in a second." I said, turning my attention back to all the girls. "So, this is a sad moment. Something I thought I'd never say unless I was on my deathbed but here it is.."

"Oh my god! Do you have a disease?!" One of them yelled out. Everybody gasped, getting louder by the second. "Does it look like I have a fucking disease dude?! Stay on track." She put her hands up in defense, making the rest of them quiet down again. "Okay I'm just gonna say it. I'm not doing this anybody. This whole sugar mama thing. Taking care of you girls. I'm done with it, it's not my lifestyle anymore. Im ready to settle down with my girlfriend and move to a place where nobody can find us. Have a new start and figure my future out on my own. Im done with all of this."

They all looked around, staring at each other. I don't know why but a weight just fell off of my shoulders from saying what I've wanted to say for so long. I'm surprised I haven't died by doing this shit. I've been exhausted. "So you're just gonna leave us to die is what you're saying??" They all nodded, looking down at their laps with sadness. It hurts me to even say yes but what else was I gonna do? Keep them around forever? I wanted to have a family one day. Kids, a dog. This can't be the life a have while that happens. "I don't know but I can't stay here with you. You can keep the house with everything in it. Do what you want with it but I can't stay here my loves. I just can't. I gotta make myself happy at the end of all the day."

"So this is it? You're just done with us huh?" I nodded, playing with the rings on my thumb and index finger. I didn't have anything to say besides goodbye. "You know I care about you all just a little. I'm not heartless and I've grown some crazy ass friendships and relationships out of all of this but fun things have to come to an end somehow." Some of them weren't even listening. I don't think they wanted to hear it.

A lot of the girls I brought in were emotionally attached to me since the beginning. They liked the fact that someone they barely even knew, wanted them for once. A lot of them had that missing wound that they grew up with, which I get. I understand but I can't be the reason for them being just a little bit okay again. Not forever. It's not realistic at all. "I'm always one phone call away. You know that."

"You're all are dismissed now. I no longer have power over you. Have the best moments while I'm gone and hopefully some of you have enough sense to move on with your lives after all of this. We all have to grow older and realize this isn't the life we intended to have." I stood up, pulling violet up with me.