Chapter 45 - Repercussions

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Question: Who's your celebrity crush?

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Repercussions

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Overlooking the ocean was so peaceful. The sky was a dark shade of blue, almost appearing black, and the stars twinkled and shined brighter because of its deep contrast against the sky. The cool breeze touched my bare legs and I shivered.

The balcony railing was high enough to reach my chest, so I rested my chin on my hands.

My eyes were blurry from tears and I felt nauseated.

It was 1am in the morning and I was still in Logan's apartment. While he was asleep, I crept out to the balcony. I wanted to go home so bad but knew that I couldn't call anyone without eliciting some sort of suspicion. Not only did I have to beg Bella to cover up for me, but I had to persuade my parents into letting me stay over for the night at her house. She was already against the idea of Logan and I, which I didn't blame her for.

Our last conversation on the phone consisted of a blunt 'fine' in which she responded to my pleas. I wasn't in an emotional space to see any of my family. I would blurt everything out to them the moment I saw them.

Just less than a day ago I was so happy. I thought that everything would work out fine. I thought that Logan would see a therapist and get better. That he would never hurt me again and that we could live happily ever after.

I was a fool for believing my own little lies. It was some form of defence mechanism. It was like my own mind was protecting me from the sad truth.

The truth being that it would take years for Logan to get better.

I was still a teenager. Still in my senior year and barely grown up. Forget that, I wasn't grown up at all. I couldn't defend myself in any way.

I was a pushover. Naive. Gullible. It took me my summer experience with Logan to realise how much I needed to. . . Grow up.

I was living in a world where nothing bad ever went on. Everything was always perfect. No bad news.

The world was exactly the opposite of the fairy-tale that I was living in. It was a bad place with bad people.

But Logan. . . I loved him so much. Not only did I feel a deep sympathy for him and what he had been through, but he had been my first in everything. My first kiss. My first romantic relationship ever. The first person to hurt me. The first person to make me realise how much I was living in a light-hearted fairy-tale.

My problems were nothing compared to his.

I wanted to stay and save him. I wanted to be his family. I promised I would be his family.

More tears fell from my eyes and I sniffled shakily. The cold was so refreshing against my warm cheeks.

I wanted to leave and never come back, to never see him again. I so badly wanted to leave and move on with my life. He wasn't good for me emotionally or physically. I felt sick to the stomach reading his journal. It made me want to throw up. He was a stranger to me - someone who I was scared of. However, he was also someone who made me feel so safe and loved. Without any of the the insecurities I exhibited from the past.

I had never been more conflicted about something or someone ever before in my life.

I had no idea what to do.

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