The X-Factor Experience | L.S

Twenty Five: March

Well.

That was probably one of the most awkward conversations he had ever had with Louis.

Harry spent the entire week torturing himself by thinking about it, cringing at his embarrassing self and the way he had struggled to form his words, causing them to not really make any sense.

It was safe to say that the chances of his dream to be with Louis coming true were now officially crushed. More so than they were before.

He wished he wasn't such a shy and insecure wreck when it came to that man.

And to think that he'd actually thought that that could change solely because of the time season being Spring? Please, the only thing Spring offered him was allergies. A red nose and an itchy throat. He should've known that.

He sighed and slouched. At least the red suit was returned and Harry was no more forced to look at it in guilt, dealing with constantly being reminded of that one night.

He guessed that was one step forward to putting everything behind him.

He just couldn't ignore the butterflies that he felt wage in his belly every time he as much as thought about Louis. He knew that thing wouldn't change. No matter how hard he tried to suppress that feeling, it was like his entire body just insisted on aching for him, and seeing him a week ago certainly didn't help his nerves calm down.

It just put a fresh, clearer than ever, image of Louis into his mind, distracting him from getting anything done. Every time he tried to focus on a task, his mind would betray him by having Louis' face flash through him, and then he would feel all tingly inside, and then he would spend the next fifteen minutes daydreaming about him, ditching his task. And then he would force himself to stop because of the shame. Then it would all repeat itself again – it was an evil cycle. No way to work against it, so he might as well've just accept that he was doomed.

But Harry couldn't seem to forget about what Louis had said about it being a shame he hadn't done anything about his music. It almost made him feel guilty, as if he'd disappointed Louis. Even though he knew that wasn't true because he and Louis weren't friends. They were hardly acquaints. And strangers can't disappoint each other because they don't have any expectations for one another in the first place.

However, he was dedicated to becoming a singer. That wasn't just about Louis. That was his dream. And he did feel guilty for only having sung once to himself ever since the contest. It was just unbearable to even try. After he failed the X Factor literally right before the live shows, he felt absolutely drained of motivation.

Sometimes chagrin is stronger than indolence.

After a decent hour of purely singing, trying to work up his vocals, Harry felt the feeling. It was that feeling he always got whenever he had sung and enjoyed it. It was hard to describe, but it was a nice feeling.

He decided that that was enough productivity for one day, so for the rest of the day he watched movies with Gemma on the sofa.

Later on their mum joined in, bringing them popcorn and soda pops to drink, and they all snuggled up in one big grey blanket despite the hot weather outside. Harry sweated a bit.

Okay, a lot. He was almost drenched in sweat, but spending time with his family for the first time in a while felt too nice for him to care.

•••

Harry woke up confused. He didn't remember falling asleep on the sofa last night. The TV was still playing. He sat up and turned it off, pushing the boiling blanket off his body and onto Gemma who was still asleep next to their mum.