Heart at War // JJ Maybank

6

Lena Boggs

           "Mornin' princess." Sarah giggles as my eyes opening as I groan at how bright my room seemed to be. "I believe you're the princess, Sarah. Have you forgotten about your princess Kook status?" I joke, my voice is raspy as I sit up ignoring the pounding in my head.

"Oh shut up before I take back the pills and water I put next to your bed." Sarah scoffs, before flashing me a smile. I don't hesitate to gulp down the pills before chugging back the rest of the water.

When I look back at Sarah, she's already looking at me. There is an indescribable look on her face as I burp, setting the empty water bottle back down on my bedside table. "What?"

Sarah slouches back in my desk chair, crossing a leg over the other and frowning. "Why have you never told me about your feelings for JJ?"

As the words left her mouth, flashes of last night appeared in my head. I told Sarah about mine and JJ's arrangement, I told Sarah about my feelings towards JJ- Stuff I have never shared with anyone in my life, I let my jaw drop as I sat up straight.

"You can't tell anyone, Sarah. I mean it, no one can know." I plead, Sarah scoffs as she rolls her eyes. "Lena honestly that is the least of my concerns at the moment, I'm more concerned about the pain he is causing you."

I was taken back by Sarah's confession, suddenly confused. "What do you mean?"

Sarah drops her hands into her lap and shakes her head. "Lena last night was the most vulnerable I have ever seen you, and it broke my heart. I mean you told me you and JJ have been sleeping together for a year and I can recall on countless occasions where JJ has brought some over girl back to John B's house in that same time frame," She stares at me. "So can you please explain this to me? Because I am so lost."

I found myself playing with my bedsheets, rubbing the fabric between my fingers as I let her words sink in. I chew on my bottom lip, feeling Sarah's eyes burning a hole in my head as she waited for my answer.

"It's like I said last night... JJ and I agreed that it would be a friends with benefits arrangement, nothing more. He can do whatever he wants." I shrugged as if it didn't mean anything, knowing damn well how much it did mean.

Sarah exhales through her nose, "And what about the part where you're in love with him?"

I snap my gaze back up at her, a scowl on my face. "What about it?"

Sarah sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose before running a hand down her face. "Look, I'm not judging you. I love you, and because I love you it gives me the right to be worried. You're telling me this little agreement you have with JJ is only sex, but you're leaving out your feelings and that isn't healthy. The only way this will end is you in pain, especially if you don't tell JJ."

"No," I shake my head this time. "I can never tell JJ. Sarah, it's just like you said, you have seen him bring home other girls and you..." I stop myself, my shoulders dropping as I lick my lips. "You saw the way that JJ was with Kie, how they've been acting. I know he doesn't feel the same way."

Sarah's eyes burn into mine, I can see the sympathy on her face as she listens to everything I say. "So then why are you torturing yourself by sleeping with him Lena? How is this of any benefit to you?"

How was it of any benefit to me? I asked myself that same question all the time, it didn't help me move on. The only answer I could ever come up with, was it was my way of trying to make him love me- That if he fell for my body, he would also fall for my soul. But time and time again, I am reminded of the lack of feelings JJ has for me and the devastation that killed me.