Heart at War // JJ Maybank

27

WARNING: Mentions of Abuse

Lena Boggs

            "JJ..." I repeated, extending my arm as I slowly walk toward him. His hands shaking so violently, his lip quivering so hard that his chin had begun shaking with it. There were opened pull bottles, as well as crushed beer cans on the coffee table, Luke's mouth wide open as he snored unaware of the gun held at his head.

"JJ put the gun down..." I whisper, hesitantly placing my arm on his bicep. "It's not worth it, baby... Put the gun down."

JJ's eyes flickered back and forth between me and Luke, and it was at that moment that I realized I was being selfish too. We both had been so blind to each other the whole time.

How could I not see the war going on with JJ? How could I have been so blind, so careless when he was standing in front of me with a war between his mind and his heart just like I was?

I glanced down at Luke, the boy who had been the main source of pain in JJ's life and I knew that he deserved what JJ so badly wanted to do– He made his son doubt himself, he was the reason that his son didn't see how extremely amazing he was. JJ didn't see himself as someone with the ability to receive the love he was deserving of, and it was Luke's fault.

JJ was more than capable of loving someone with all of himself, he was deserving of happiness— If anything, JJ's heart was full of goodness. He was given a shitty life, a father who was either too coked out to care for his son... Or he was paying attention to him in the wrong way, beating after beating.

JJ became someone his father would never be, loyal... Dedicated... Emotional... Lovable.

I know that JJ views himself just the same as his father, but for the first time in all my years of knowing him... I saw him. Really saw him.

And even though Luke deserves it... I would not, will not, let him ruin JJ's life like it's worth nothing.

"JJ... You're better than him, you will always be better than him." I cry, JJ's eyes never leaving mine for a second as I watched the war firsthand taking place in his head.

"Please... Please, for me..." I plead, gripping his arm tighter as I beg him to just put the gun down. "I love you, please. Don't let me lose you like this." It was like a switch went off in his mind, lowering the gun as his eyes crumbled at my words.

"I love you, J. I love you." I repeat, slowly travelling my hand down to the gun in his hands. I wrap my hand around the barrel of the gun, eyes staring straight into JJ's and never leaving them for a second. "I love you."

I needed him to hear me, I needed him to know that he was deserving of my love.

His grip dropped from the gun, I close my eyes as the full weight of the gun fell into my hands, immediately unloading the gun and listening to the bullets drop to the ground at my feet.

I exhaled, letting the gun drop next before pulling the broken boy into my arms. He collapsed into my body, head on my shoulder as his body began rocking with sobs. "I was going to kill him!" He sobbed as I held his hand close to me.

I'd take all his pain if I could. Every ounce of it, without a second thought.

"I know, J. I know." I sniffle, burying my face into his neck as I slowly walked backwards wanting to get him out of this house filled with reminders of the love he lacked from Luke.

I scan over the holes in the walls, the old stains in the carpeted from blood Luke caused JJ to spill. Memories of JJ climbing through my window with new bruises, new cuts, dried blood all over his body as I clenched him tighter to me.

Why had I never noticed the war? Why did it take me this long?

I was so focused on the war within me, that I was oblivious to the war within him.

Once we're out on the lawn, JJ's knees buckle as he falls to the ground. My body going with him refusing to let go of him, his body shook from the sobs escaping his body. "I wanted to kill him..." He cried, his hands clenching my shirt as his tears dampen my shoulder.

"Let's go home," I whispered to him. "Let me take you home."

I help him stand to his feet, needing to get home to my house. The words home felt surreal when I spoke them to him like it was a forever thing.

Maybe it was a forever thing.

JJ Maybank

        Lena lays asleep in my arms, my fingers running up and down the length of her arm as I caress her. It still hadn't clicked in my head that someone like Lena could love someone like me.

She saw me holding a gun to my father's head, and was still able to tell me she loved me– So soon after her father's death, she saw me about to take the life of my own and she could still love me.

Her chest moved at a steady pace, the broken girl in my arms. I knew I didn't deserve this, not after everything I've done to her and everything I've done in my life. I didn't deserve such a good thing, I am a Maybank... Our lives don't have happy endings, and I've never had a girlfriend either.

How could I ever treat this girl in my arms right? How could I be the person she deserved?

She knew everything about me. Everything I've done and the things I've been through and yet she still loves me. Really loves me.

I didn't know how to be the person she needed or the one that deserved her... But I knew one thing, as I lean my lips down to place a gentle kiss against her soft skin, even though the pressure stung the fresh cut on my lip that Lena helped me clean earlier today... The feeling of her made it worth the pain.

The pain was worth it when it came to my Lee B.

"I love you, too." I whispered against her skin, freezing as she moans and shifts in her sleep slightly before soft snores fell from her lips again.

There was one thing I knew. I just hope I have it in me to do it.

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not edited

SHORT CHAPTER I KNOW! I'm sorry, I have such a busy day but I wanted to update you!! I'll try to update again tonight as well!

So, this story is coming to an end sadly :( only 3-4 more chapters left, but I hope you enjoyed this even tho it's so short!!

All love,

Xoxo,
A