Heart at War // JJ Maybank

26

Lena Boggs

          My night back at John B's left me feeling... Unsure of things. It was one specific moment to be exact, I had agreed to spend the night considering I haven't seen all of them in a while.

Everything was going just fine, until everyone but JJ, and John B decided we wanted to go to sleep. I had woken up sometime during a private conversation between JJ and John B, and shamefully once I heard my name— I decided to pretend I was still sleeping so I could listen in.

"How has she been?" John B asked in a hushed tone, the smell of marijuana lingering in the air as JJ coughed silently.

"I... I don't know. She's trying to be strong, you know how Lee is. She doesn't want people to see her as a downer so she hides her emotions." JJ answered, and I didn't miss the sound of concern in his voice. "Yeah... She's always been that way, hasn't she?" John B sighs.

"For as long as we've all been friends," JJ agrees. "It scares me, JB. I just want to make sure she's okay." I feel my heartache in my chest realizing how much distress I was putting JJ in.

"Of course you do, JJ. It's obvious why." John B whispered, taking me by surprise.

"What do you mean?" JJ asks after a long pause. "You know what I mean." John B argued back, I felt my pulse began to quicken, realizing that maybe I'm listening in on a conversation much more private than I had initially thought.

"Obviously not, John B, or else I wouldn't have to ask!" JJ whispered back, stubbornly.

John B chuckled softly at what he viewed as JJ's denial. "You have feelings for her. You always have, I just don't understand why you got together with Kiara in the first place when it's been quite obvious you've only ever had eyes on Lena."

There's a pause again, one that begins to make me sweat as my heart beats like crazy in my chest.

"She's... She's too good for me, she'll always be too good for me. You know it too, JB. She'll end up like, a Kook but a Pogue at heart because she'll go to university and then get a job that makes her good money... And I'll be stuck in the same loop, just like my old man."

John B groans under his breath, trying to be quiet so he doesn't wake everybody up. "But you're leaving out the part where she's good for you."

"Do you think I thought that I was good enough for Sarah Cameron? Kook fucking princess? You don't think I had the same doubt that you are having right now?" John B disclosed with him, chuckling. "I did. But I knew that I couldn't fight my love for her- Come on man, I'm being serious don't look at me like that," John B groans.

"Pussy whipped." JJ fake coughed, I did my best not to laugh at that moment.

"Okay, fine. How would you feel if you sat back and watched Lena fall in love with someone else? Like really fall for him, married and kids... Attending her wed-" John B's cut off by JJ. "I get it! Okay, I get it!"

Feeling like I've heard enough of their conversation, invading their privacy too much already. I pretended to yawn as if I was just waking up.

I groan, rolling over onto my pillow in my bedroom and just laying still.

I couldn't stop repeating their conversation in my mind, nothing I did to distract myself worked. I wasn't sure how I felt anymore, I knew I still was in love with JJ– I think I always will be, but... It just felt too hard, and the pain he's caused me always finds its way back in reminding me of why I let him go in the first place.