Left In The Dark

Chapter 20.2

He embraced me in the most compassionate way. It made my mind race a million miles a second. I found myself feeling so confused. I questioned why I was doing this and if it was okay. I was in such a position of dissonance because my mind and body were working against each other. My inner self was trying to resist. She tried to reason with me, but the more she contested the harder my body fought back. Roughly I kissed Al and clung to him more. Against my own will, I couldn't help the natural urges I was experiencing. Kissing him made me feel better-for the moment at least. Al pulled away and I whimpered from the loss of his lips. This gave my mind a chance to recover, though it was still a little muggy. We stared at each other with him stroking my chin. He began to speak.

"The night before I walked into your gallery I had a dream." He whispered against my mouth.

My brows furrowed wanting him to elaborate.

"It was of T. I hadn't dreamt about her for a while till then. She was telling me that it was time for me to move on and not to dwell on her anymore. She said it was okay and that I'm allowed to be happy again. And then I saw you the very next day and it made me wonder if she sent me to you... I can't explain it." He shook his head. "I just feel like I'm supposed to help you." He confessed.

Before it could even fall, he wiped my tear. I shook my head out of his hand as I was left feeling even more polarized. Michelle's remark rang in my ears. What if he is number three? My head shook vehemently again trying to rid myself of that thought.

"No." I softly said aloud to myself.

Al turned my attention back to him. "I spent most of my life building and fixing things." His hand slid down to my chest where his eyes followed. His finger mindlessly drew swirly patterns before falling right over my heart. "Maybe I could fix this." He murmured.
My breath was trapped as I felt him nuzzle into my chest. Soft feathery kisses were placed there. I shuddered and closed my eyes.

"Let me fix it." He whispered.

The ice that I had reserved in my heart for him, I could feel gradually melting away. He kissed his way back up to my lips and that push-pull tension re-emerged. Mind and body were at arms again. Another internal deliberation was happening. My emotions were an indiscernible ball. Then a bunch of voices filled my head: Kelly's, Michelle's, Dr. Union's... Solange's. But the voice that silenced them all was Shawn's. What he said in shooting range replayed.

"Now the first target, we'll name that the past...You've been hurt by it, so badly. He hangs over your head, clouding up your present and what could be your future."

My past. Does that include you too Shawn?

My body quaked.

You are my past now. Do I shoot a bullet through you too?

My finger tips sunk deeper into Al's back.

You've been hanging over my head for over my head for a year and a half. I've let you cloud up my present every day since the day you left me.

"Don't let your past ruin this."

I reopened my eyes, peering at Al as I had this mental dispute. I pulled away from his kisses. More tears left my eyes when that realization had set in. It was the one time I didn't want Shawn to be right. My mouth tremored but I pressed them firmly, trying not to bawl. Al leaned back in and began kissing each one of my shed tears, drinking in my pain, consuming all my hurt. My hands roamed over his body as my fingers fiddled with the buttons on his shirt. At this point I was tired. I was tired of crying. I was tired of feeling alone. And I was tired of fighting myself. All I wanted now was to feel better. Inhaling, I enjoyed the tenderness of his lips on my face before guiding his mouth back to mine. I devoured it. My fingers were still working on his buttons. I pulled his shirt open and rolled it down the lengths of his arms. He shrugged it off, and then held me again. Next I removed my own and tossed it to the side. I continued to strip us both of our clothes. One item at a time, as my tongue dove as deep as it could into his mouth. I could feel him tense around me. Al seemed a little reserved about it, even somewhat hesitant. But he didn't contest. We were both down to our underwear and I pulled him on top of me. I was positioned on my back on the living room floor, looking up at him who looked concerned and unsettled. I reached up to wrap my arms around his neck to pull him in but he resisted.