As I have nothing to give you, I give you my heart (IU Verse Book#1)

Chapter 18

          Jihyuk stared at the woman in front of him blankly. He could not comprehend whether or not this was his real mother or an actress who was pretending to be his mother. She looked nothing like what he remembered; his memory of her appearance was that she had pale skin, like his, but it was so pale that it was considered to be a light shade of gray, the unhealthiest color that you could have for your skin. He remembered her lips to be pale as well to the point that it was almost white. She remembered her face to be wrinkled than it was supposed to be for her age, and most of all, he remembered the eyes that used to hold so much pain and mostly anger. 

          Now he saw none of those things. Her skin was less pale, there were fewer wrinkles even though she aged, and her lips were tinted red with lipstick. Her face was covered in makeup, and her eyes no longer held the anger that he was accustomed to seeing during his childhood. It was needless to say that the woman in front of him was the opposite of his mother. 

           No words were spoken since they met. His mother had come to the agency early in the morning, and Jihyuk was there waiting for her in the director's office. Once their eyes fell upon one another, no words could come out of their mouths as reality settles in. They finally crossed paths again.

          The director had left the office to give them privacy. They had been sitting quietly, and his mother was sipping tea in silence while Jihyuk stared at her blankly, waiting for her to speak.

          His mother finally put down the cup on the coffee table and looked at him properly for the first time. She gave him a small smile that he found hard to return, and he didn't. 

          "Jihyuk-ah." His name coming from her lips felt so foreign to him. Jihyuk flinched slightly but didn't drop his eye contact. "I've pondered countless times what I should say to you if we were to meet again." She paused for a second, and let out a shallow breath. "'I'm sorry.' 'Thank you.' 'I hope you are living a good life.' I came up with a lot of things. But now, as I am sitting in front of you, I don't know where to start."

          "I just," she continued, her breath becoming shakier as more words came out of her mouth, "I am glad to see you, and I glad that you're doing okay." She gave him a bigger smile but the smile didn't reach her eyes. "I'm sorry for everything that I had put you through, Jihyuk-ah. I was, well, I was the worst mother that anyone could ever have. I was supposed to take care of you, to make sure that you grew up well, but with your father's death, I was having a hard time. But I really do regret what I did to you. It was unfair to you. And I wish that you could give me a chance to redeem myself. I am better than I was before. This is why I tried to find you, to show that I'm truly sorry for what I did. And I wanted to make it up to you." 

          Jihyuk found it hard to look at her, so instead, he looked down on the floor. No words could form on his lips. He began to fumble his hands and his legs were shaking ever so slightly. He wished that this meeting would end now, as he felt his anxiety began to peak. 

          "Don't you have...anything to say to me?" His mother asked quietly. He looked at her again; she was looking at him expectantly.

         "No." He managed to breathe out. He was beginning to feel that he was going to have a panic attack. His palms began to sweat as he tried to wipe them hastily on his pants. He couldn't see that his mother's expression changed to a slightly angered one. He couldn't see that she was trying to control her voice as she said, "Nothing? After all these years? You're not going to ask how I found you, or even how I managed to get out of my old life?" Her voice was louder than she intended, but it was enough for Jihyuk to drop to the floor and begin hyperventilating. That voice. That voice haunts his dreams now and then, and hearing it in real life makes it unbearable for him.