Hold on || dreamnotfound

chapter twenty

dream's point of view
tw: anxiety, mention of depression and suicide

"I still can't believe you've done this!", I shouted, looking at Sap beside me who was driving the car.

Yesterday, I had been thankful that he did what I was too afraid of, but now I was afraid. And the only way to possibly handle this emotion was anger, so that I would feel like the situation was under my control. It was sick, I knew that, but everything was about to change anyway.

"I guess you'll have to" he replied, a happy smile on his face. He had been in a better mood since yesterday, I assumed it was because he now had a reassurance for emergency cases.

Instead of answering, I sent him a furious gaze, but he didn't even recognise it, his eyes were looking to the front so that he wouldn't kill us in this full traffic.

I sighed, leaning back into the seat. A car crash seemed to be the lesser of the two evils at the moment. If I thought about it, in the first place anything was better than to visit this Doctor Hartfield. I'd even rather talk to George than get into her practice to talk about my screwed-up life.

Unconsciously, I had grabbed onto the car door handle when I thought about George. The tensed situation burdened me very much, even though I was the one who made it that way.

To be honest, I was just overstrained at the moment and I had noticed wishing George had never shown up. But at the same time I was glad he was there, which was probably my heart's fault. Even when I had the prove he didn't like me that way, it refused to let go of him and the feelings I still had for him. If it was possible, I already would've ripped it out just to stop the irrational longing I always felt when he was around.

I still wasn't over the kiss, in fact. The complete opposite was the case; there was nothing I wanted more than to repeat it.

But George didn't seem to share that opinion.

At the memory, my heart repeatedly cramped together and I relived the situation over and over again, each time more distorted than before.

"I'm sure it will help you, Clay. Please give it a chance," Nick now said, ripping me out of the violent daydream.

I frowned, not really sure about his claims.

"Hmm" I just made, caught up in my thoughts. The closer we got to the appointment, the more nervous I became. I had absolutely no idea how it would turn out to be and I also didn't want to talk about this all.

Especially not to a complete stranger. It was one thing to tell your closest friends about your secrets and fears, but a person you just got to know? From who you only know their name? That was a whole other thing.

"Come on. This is just a try, okay? If you don't like her we'll look for another solution" Sap tried to convince me. He really wanted me to be comfortable, something I appreciated a lot.

I simply nodded as a reply, my mouth dry as the Sahara and refusing to make any sound. Sapnap seemed to notice my nervousness and took my hand, pressing it softly. A tired smile managed it to get on my lips even though I felt nothing like smiling at the moment.

A few minutes later, my friend pulled over into a broad entry and parked the car in a nearby parking slot. My body had tensed up and while Sap left the car, I still sat there, not moving the slightest bit.