Hold on || dreamnotfound

chapter twenty four

dream's point of view
tws: intrusive/ suicidal thoughts

"I'm sorry" I immediately said, seeing the tears streaming down George's pale turned skin. He seemed incredibly hopeless watching the dark droplets of blood which were hitting the floor. The sound they made was almost inaudible, but in the onerous silence between us, we heard it clearer than anything.

"I'm so sorry, Gogs. I- I shouldn't burden you with this, I... It's just, they don't stop and I'm not sure whether they will in the first place. They are so full of hate and there's nothing I can do to stop them, I- Doctor Hartfield told me- but I can't it's too hard, I'm not able to suppress them and then I don't know what to do or- It's too hard, George-" My voice broke and a frantic sob left my mouth. Endless tears had built rivers in my cheeks, drowning everything that tried to stop them.

Suddenly, my legs weren't able to hold me anymore and I fell down onto the floor. The dull pain filling my body didn't bother me, it just was proof that I was still alive. And that reality was more present than it had ever been.

Again, I had been breaking down in front of George, the only person I truly wanted to see my happy self.

My shoulders were trembling when I buried my face inside of my aching hands; salty tears mixed with dark red blood.

In the next moment, George was right beside me, putting his arms around me and pulling me as tight as he could. I only halfway realized he was climbing onto my lap to be able to loop his arms around me even better. We both were crying heavily, but I simultaneously enjoyed his closeness. His warm embrace that was so full of bittersweet memories. So important to both of us, even when it was in a different way.

And suddenly, my thoughts were quiet. They stopped whispering venomous things into my ears, they were no longer present.

I eventually lied my arms around my best friend's shaking body, holding onto him as if I was drowning.

"I missed you", I whispered, my voice muffled by all the tears and the fabric of George's hoodie.

My words made no sense since we had been living together for the past weeks, but it seemed as if he understood what I meant anyways.

His hug grew even tighter, but it felt good, it felt safe. Whenever I was with George, I was sure that nothing could ever hurt me, even though I knew better. How were you supposed not to get hurt when the only dangerous thing nearby was yourself?

You deserve the pain anyway. Stop pretending you don't.

So there they were again. Somehow, they always managed it to appear right when I needed them the least. When I was the most vulnerable. And that most of the time was, how I now noticed, when I was with George. I had made a mistake by starting to speak to him again, that was what I realized now. Too late, unfortunately.

George's breaths had slowly become deeper while I still tried to grasp enough air through my intense sobs.

I felt his hand in my hair, gracefully stroking through it and calming me down. His head lied in the crook of my neck so I felt his soft hair on my skin. My arms were still cramped around him, partly to prevent him from leaving me. If I had to be alone now, I wouldn't know what would happen next.

You do know, loser.

I eventually closed my eyes, melting into his touch and relaxing my tensed up muscles. If I just could lay here forever...

Some time later, I found myself in the state of being halfway asleep while a part of my unconsciousness was still clinging to being awake.

There was nothing I wished for more than to just sleep now, except for...