Hold on || dreamnotfound

chapter twenty one

sapnap's point of view
tw: light anxiety

author's note

hey, y'all :) yeah a author's note at the beginning of a chapter is weird, but we decided to make it easier for y'all to skip the critical parts by adding exclamation marks in front of them if we can localize them particularly. Again, you don't have to feel ashamed for not reading some parts! Respect your boundaries, you know yourself best <3
enjoy the new chapter though :) we would be happy if you interacted if you liked it ^^

After the first session, the lady had pulled me out of the room. She had told me to make sure he would go to his next appointment, which didn't quite make me feel like everything was under control or going to be alright, even if she repeated those sentences over and over again.

I knew that Clay was in a bad state, but something made me think that even the therapist thought it was extreme. Not that she wouldn't be able to help him, but it seemed to drain some of the hope out of my body. It ripped my heart into a million pieces to know that my friend was suffering so bad even a therapist, who was dealing with that kind of problems every single day, thought it was this bad.

He had always been the person that was there for everyone. He sometimes spent days listening to people's problems and trying to help them as much as he could but in the meanwhile, he was the one that needed help the most. How could I've been so stupid and not realize it sooner?

"You good, Nick?" A voice suddenly rang through my head, snapping me out of my thoughts. I soon realized that I had stopped driving. We were standing at the side of the road, my head leaning against the steering wheel.

"Yea. I'm just... I'm sorry for not realizing all this earlier" I whispered, not having the strength to start driving again any time soon.

"It's not your-" the blonde started to talk but I quickly interrupted him. 

"Yes it is! I could've realized it when you didn't show up in the recording about two years ago! Because I called you after and I know you were crying back then. I could've noticed when you disappeared for weeks, not texting anyone! Gosh, I could've at least noticed it when you had a panic attack after mcc because you felt like you disappointed everyone!" My voice echoed through the car before i finally looked up, seeing a sad but also scared Clay in front of me.

I instantly knew that I should've just kept that to myself, but a part of me was relieved that I finally had let it all out.

That changed when the boy spoke up again, his voice quiet and full of guilt.

"I'm causing you nothing but pain" he whispered before pulling me into a tight hug. It took me by surprise since he rarely even accepted a hug... but that made it even more special. I instantly hugged back, pulling him close but also leaving the opportunity to pull back in case it made him uncomfortable.

But it didn't. He just stayed like that, his hands grabbing the fabric of my shirt.

I wondered if I just imagined it, but I felt quiet tears soaking through my pullover.

My hands gently slid over his back while I tried to ignore the fact that he was too thin. Way too thin.

Something inside of me broke. A part of me was shattered into pieces when I realized everything I did to help him didn't work. Of course, I didn't have any experience with these kind of things, but maybe I also just didn't try hard enough...

While still hugging him, I could feel his bones underneath the pale skin that stretched across them, making him look almost transparent.

I was scared that if I hugged him too much I could break him.