Hold on || dreamnotfound

chapter twenty five

dream's point of view
tws: !suicidal thoughts!, mentions of self harm, panic

I shot up, my whole body covered in cold sweat and my heart beating faster than it should.

This nightmare felt realer than the others. Not only because I could remember every just so tiny detail, but because it was a more realistic scenario than any dream I'd ever had... Not to forget that I had thought about it multiple times before. I wouldn't be able to count the visits of the huge bridge a couple miles from here. The endless hours I had spent there, rethinking every decision I had ever made and overthinking about the only one that mattered. Everytime, I had decided to go home again.

There were times where I had been out of control, too scared to think rations and too weak to actually fight the urge to jump... but I always managed to get back home and continue spiraling around the one thing that kept me up at night... George.

Whatever I did and whatever I thought, it always led back to him. It was almost like I wasn't living for myself, but for him, because I knew he wouldn't be able to handle the pain I would leave if I decided to jump.

You should've done it... look at the pain you're causing all of them anyways!

Shut up!

"Hey, look at me" I heard George's distant voice but chose to ignore it. There were so many things I needed to think about right now and George certainly wasn't one of them.

Do you see the look on his face?

Stop!

You hurt him so bad every single day...

"Dream!"

I knew I had hurt him. Gosh I even punished myself for that every single day. But this time it felt different. Because the fact that this dream could happen in reality was setting free a deep state of panic in my chest.

I wanted to get better... I really did! So why wasn't it working? Why couldn't I bring myself to stand up after three hours of laying in bed? Why couldn't I bring myself to eat? Why couldn't I stop inspecting every sharp object I passed?

The only thing that was stopping me from doing it again was Sap, who was checking my arms almost daily. Not that it would stop me from harming myself otherwise...

I'm so pathetic...

"Clay!"

My attention was drawn to the person that had brought me back to reality so many times before. I could see faint tears sparkling in his dark brown eyes, his hands interlocking with mine and gently stroking my knuckles.

"You're alright. I'm here. It was just a bad dream and I need you to calm down. Nothing is going to happen to you" he whispered before pulling me into a tight hug as if he wanted to protect me. My rapid heartbeat calmed down after a little while of being embraced by the love of my life.

I knew it was wrong to enjoy George's presence like that, but I couldn't help myself. The guilt would eventually punish me for that later. It would overflow me and push me into harming myself again. And, of course, I would give in. As I always did.

"You're safe" George quietly said, pulling a few strains of hair behind my ear. "Thank you" was all I could think of before I pulled him closer and let my head sink into his chest.

You're disgusting.

My grip around his torso tightened. I just wanted this to end.

"Do you wanna talk about... what happened before you fell asleep?" George's voice rang out after a few minutes in which I had almost drifted off into a peaceful sleep again. I shook my head. There was nothing worse than to talk about this now... I would just end up ruining everything. We were so close right now. Too close. But I enjoyed it nonetheless and a conversation like that wouldn't end well.