Hold on || dreamnotfound

chapter twenty three

dream's point of view
tw: self hatred, self harm

It took me a while to actually wake up, my mind slipping back into darkness every minute. But when I felt a warm hand on my shoulder, I finally managed to push myself into an upright position. We were still on the couch, Sapnap watching a new movie and George sitting next to me, a slight smile on his face.

"You missed the best part Clay!" Nick suddenly said, my ears starting to ring almost immediately. I wasn't fully awake by the time and it was hard to even catch what was going on.

"You good?" George's voice sounded, a lot quieter than Sap. I simply nodded before gathering enough energy to speak.

"I don't think I've ever been that tired" I mumbled, my voice only making me seem more sleepy. Before I could even realize what was happening, I already found myself on George's shoulder again, my eyes slowly closing.

"Clay?" Sap quietly whispered, looking at me with a worried expression in his eyes. I just nodded, indicating I would listen to whatever he was going to say. It would most likely be another stupid motivation speech he started giving me, only to reassure himself that everything would be alright. Not like I wouldn't appreciate what he did, but I just couldn't believe his words every time, because in my point of view, it was too late anyway.

Sometimes, things are too broken to repair them.

I could see them loosing hope every time I refused to eat or didn't want to talk about how I was feeling, none of them acknowledging the progress I had made.

Well at least until I fell down again, the dark hole seeming to have some sort of gravity that always pulled me back. I didn't know how to prevent myself from tripping as soon as I felt like things were getting better.

"Can you promise me that if I make you something to eat now, you will eat at least half of it?" Nick asked, instantly pulling me out of my thoughts.

You don't deserve food! You're too fat already.

Imagine George seeing you eat!

Useless piece of shit.

I hadn't even realized I had started shaking my head violently until George put his hands around my face, quietly stroking my cheek until I finally looked at him.

"We won't judge you. You're so skinny, Dream. You won't be able to continue like this any longer" he spoke up, his voice soft and honest.

Great. Just die then.

"You deserve to eat something. Stop starving yourself to death. Look at me! I'm eating so much more than you... do you think I'm fat?" He asked and I quickly shook my head. George's body was perfect. He looked so precious.

"So what makes you think if you eat the same amount as I do, you will look any different? You're way taller than I am so the amount I'm consuming still wouldn't be enough for your body. But it would be a start"

Why did he care so damn much. And why did his words make sense?

"I don't deserve it" I whispered, a part of me hoping they heard it while the other one was praying they didn't. It felt wrong in so many ways to talk about my feelings in front of George. Especially since he already didn't want me in the way I wished he did... but if he found out how messed up I was, there would be no way that he would look at me the same.