Sillage

Chapter 16 - Hope. Burden.

TW MENTIONS OF SUICIDE/MURDER/LOTS OF SWEARING/MENTIONS OF MALE SEXUAL PERFORMANCE/MENTIONS OF BROTHELS/I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO CLEAN A HORSE STALL I'M SORRY

His hand looks exactly the same. Same scars, same lines, same callouses.

So then why does it feel so different?

Laid down on the couch, one arm under his head and legs crossed, Levi's been carefully studying his palm for the last 15 minutes, since the sun has risen.

Feeble rays of light are seeping through the half-cracked window he opened no more than half an hour ago to let the crisp morning air infiltrate his room and freshen it up. Specks of dust dancing in the silvery ribbons, the chilliness of autumn conquered the office, almost as soon as Levi let it loose inside. He can't help but stiffen at the small particles of dirt flying in the air, the urge to clean it so acute, it almost makes him jump out of his seat and arm himself with the broom and the dust cloth.

But he can't do that.

Not until she's awake, at least. He doesn't want to wake her up with his fussing around so early in the morning.

Last night, she told him she was no stranger to insomnia, but he hasn't heard her stir once during the night, which means she finally got to have a restful sleep. He can't be the one to disturb that rest, not when she looked like she desperately needed it more than anything.

As for him, he didn't sleep a wink.

Returning his eyes over his open palm in front of his face, he tightens and releases his fist a couple of times, as if trying to make sure it's still functioning properly after the recent events.

He doesn't stop his mind from drifting to last night.

He couldn't believe someone actually had the nerve to stalk her. Crimson anger boils in his chest the moment he remembers how terrified she was.

If it weren't for her stupid pride.

If she had just told him on the spot the reason for her fright, he would've gone out the door, trusty pocket knife in hand, and looked for whoever had decided to mess with her, ready to draw blood the way he used to so long ago in the Underground. He wouldn't have given up until he found the culprit.

But she didn't want to tell him at first.

Seeing it was Levi's room she knocked on, she decided it would've been easier to face whoever wanted to hurt her, rather than deal with him.

A pang of disappointment pierced right through his chest at that.

Disappointment in himself.

In trying his best to protect her, by keeping his distance, he only managed to lose her trust in him once again. He made her think she should face such things alone, instead of relying on him, even though she had no idea what she was dealing with. He doesn't understand how he never thought of that. If he visibly kept away from her, how could he expect she'd come to him for help if something was to happen to her.

She's not that kind of person.

She's self-sufficient, independent, and stubborn. So fucking stubborn, it both drives him insane and fascinates him. She managed by herself just fine until she joined the Corps. Being a doctor with her own surgery, and a woman above all inside these Walls, is not the easiest fit. There are all sorts of assholes out there, ready to seize the opportunity if they sense the slightest bit of weakness. That's valid for both inside the Walls, as well as the Underground.

What gave him the right to even think she would come looking for his help?

If Levi wanted to keep her safe under his wing, he'd have to personally offer his help, because she would rather die than ask for his aid, after what had been going down between them for these couple of days.