Sillage

Chapter 23: Letter. Response.

Dear Simmonds,

I haven't forgiven you yet.

What a way to start a letter. We didn't talk in a year and this is the best I can come up with. Not even a "how are you" or "I hope you're alive and well."

Let me start again.

How are you? I hope you're doing well.

And somehow this sounds ten times worse. But anyway, I'm not writing to you to complain about my lacking social skills.

I'm sure that by now you must've found out Trost district was breached by titans. Since your friends probably already informed you of the location of my surgery, I figured you must be worried for my safety. If that is not the case anymore, please ignore this letter thoroughly and burn it.

But if you're still the same mother hen I remember, I'm writing to let you know I'm alive and well. The Scouting Regiment was looking for volunteer physicians and I signed up right after the invasion. I'm currently under their supervision until the next expedition outside the Walls. I have no authority to let you know of my whereabouts, but I'm well taken care of, so there's no need to worry about me.

I can already hear an earful all the way from Stohess, but don't fret, I too know this is not the best decision I could've come up with. But you know me, you know my personal decisions are not always the most rational ones. I can't say I'm proud of allowing my emotions to take over sometimes, but I met wonderful people here, and somehow, even with the threat of imminent death looming above my head when I think about the titan battlefield, I'm content with the way things are.

Truth is, I'm unharmed on a physical level, but I didn't escape the breach unscathed. Things happened, people dear to me died and it was all my fault. I was too stubborn. I was too selfish. And I almost couldn't pick myself up anymore. But this is a discussion for another time as there are not enough pages in front of me or enough mine in my pencil to describe to you all the feelings overwhelming me since the invasion. Just know that I'm currently trying to get through them, and even though I don't feel any better at all, at least the heaviness on my heart is a little more bearable, knowing I will have the chance to help these soldiers see another day. I know I cannot heal all of them, but even saving one is enough for me. However, I will not stop at one. I will go forward until I exhaust all of my resources. I will do my best, and I will make sure not to let everyone's hopes in me go to waste.

However, there's something on my mind stopping me from completely losing myself in my work here. The Walls know I have enough work not to get bored or waste time during the day. And that brings me to the reason for my letter.

I remembered.

I don't know what I remembered exactly, and I can't let you in on the exact details, but the flashbacks this time were different from anything I have ever experienced before. My brain felt like it was split open from the inside, something horrendous trying to crawl its way up to the surface, but I think my mind was still not ready to open its gates completely to the reality of my past. To be honest, even now, I don't think I'm ready to properly face my previous life.

I'm scared. More than scared, I'm downright terrified when I remember the dread and fright completely conquering my body and soul, with no other choice for me but to succumb to them. That panic attack, if you can even call it that, was the closest thing to death I have ever felt.

I am but a flawed human. I know that. I am trying to grow from my flaws, and yet I still can't bring myself to properly face you after all this time. Forgive me for my cowardice. I was so angry at you last year, and even though your betrayal from that time still scorches my heart whenever I remember your words, I want to forgive you. I think at some point my anger turned to shame, and when that happened, I realized I didn't have the strength to face you again and ask for another explanation for your statements.

So this letter, this is me trying to grow from my cowardice by asking you to reveal the details of my past, whatever you might know. I know I never asked you to reveal anything to me, maybe the fear was there from the very first day I opened my eyes hazed by fever, and saw you holding my hand and crying for my wellbeing. You made me feel protected and you made me feel safe. I want the soldiers I will take care of to feel the same whenever they see me, even if we're in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by nothing but titans. So for that, I need to face my memories, to finally face who I am, no matter the nature of the events that turned me into this faulty human today. Seventeen years of ignorance are enough, and I can't afford to lose my mind and zone out, panic attacks taking over me, when there are injured people counting on their doctor to stay sane and strong for them.

I joined this Regiment to find a purpose for my worthless existence, an existence that lead to the death of people I dearly loved. I cannot find that if they see in me only a deranged woman. I'm so much more than that, or at least I want to be so much more than that. So please, Simmonds, tell me everything you know. If I do this, I want to do it on my own accord and volition. I don't want to let life make these choices for me, even if that means losing my mind when finally finding out the answer. Even if your details don't help me remember much, at least I will have a starting point.

Make sure to eat properly! Beans and porridge don't count as food when that's the only thing you've been eating for a week straight. Yes, they have enough protein and fibers, but your ancient bones need more than that and you know it. And drink some water, black tea doesn't count. This is the reason your sleep schedule is messed up. Speaking of sleep schedules, for the love of the Walls, PLEASE clean that room of yours. At this rate, death itself won't be able to find your body among all that chaos the moment it decides to come for you. But maybe that's actually a good thing, if that means you get to live longer that way. However, you still need to clean it! Only the Walls know what creatures lurk under all that mayhem, I get shivers just thinking about it.

I read all the articles you published this past year. That vaccine will be a breakthrough in medicine if you manage to create it. But there's no point in creating something that will help people live longer if you die yourself in the process. I know I have no right to ask this of you, after I left you alone like that, but please take better care of yourself. People still need you. Medicine inside these Walls would not be the same without your genius, and even though I may be the most ungrateful and hypocritical child, I still need to know you're alive and well, no matter the state of our relationship.

If you reached the end of this letter, thank you for having the patience to read my ramblings. Take care, and I hope I will get to hear from you soon.

Yours,
Y/N

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Y/N,

I'm glad to hear you are alive and well. I'm also doing good, so there's no need to worry about this old man.

If there's anything you want to find out or ask about, I'm waiting for you in Stohess. You know where to find me.

Yours,
Simmonds