Fighting a New World

57

Ryder's POV

My eyes focused on the TV as I pushed my nerves away while wiping my sweaty hands on my pants.

My mom sat beside me. Her eyes switched between the TV and me; clearly being able to tell something was wrong but not being able to figure out what.

My heart began to beat out of my chest as I tried to find the right words to say but I could never settle on anything good enough.

"Did something happen at school today," she asked after a few minutes of looking back and forth. Her voice came out tense and scared but she still didn't look at me.

Something did happen at school.

Tyler Hall took me to the bathroom during lunch and kissed me.

He and I had a bet for a while about whether both of us were gay but we hadn't done anything to prove it since the bet started but it seemed Tyler was done waiting.

Tyler wasn't gay apparently but the second his lips touched mine I knew I was.

The simple action had taken my breath away and ever since it happened I haven't been able to catch it.

I was only 14. I wasn't supposed to worry about this yet. This was the kind of problems 16-year-old whispered about in the back of the library. I wasn't supposed to have to deal with this yet.

"You know you can tell me anything Ryder," mom soothed as she slipped her hand into my hair and began playing with it. "Did someone do something to you?"

I only shook my head as I leaned into her touch.

"I think I'm gay," I whispered, honestly hoping that she didn't hear. When she doesn't falter, I think that she hasn't but after a while she answers.

"That's okay. You know that, don't you? I thought I taught you that things like that don't matter."

"You did, but dad isn't going to like it," I said as I put my head on her shoulder but my heart was still pounding in my chest.

She only scoffs at my answer while her hand tightens in my hair for a split second before letting it relax again.

"When he starts paying child support again he can deal with it but until then, he can keep his asshole ways to himself," she grumbled before her tone lightened again. "Any boy you have your eye one? Someone must have helped you figure it out."

A small smirk crossed her face but I only blushed as I turned away from her and focused on the TV again.

"Would it be rude if we put her in the closet," I asked as I stared at my mom's urn.

It seemed the funeral home we used wasn't very busy so with a few glares from Carter and Jax, we were bumped up the list quickly.

I had decided all the details in only a few hours so they were able to do everything later that day.

Then this morning I got a call saying that she was ready to be picked up.

I had set her urn on the bar but it didn't feel right. Then I moved her to the TV stand but it felt like I was putting her on display for everyone to see so that didn't feel right either.

I had thought about putting her in the bedroom but then my mind went to sex and how I didn't want my mother's remains listening to that. Unfortunately, we didn't have very many more places to put her.

"It's your mom," Liam said with a small shrug. "If that's where you want her, I'm sure she would understand."

"It still feels wrong though."

Everywhere I put her just felt wrong. I could feel the urn glaring at me no matter where I put it. It has been less than a day and I was already sick of it.

"Maybe try it, just for a few days," Callum soothed as he dragged me to sit down on the couch with him. "It will take time to get used to. Maybe having her out of sight will help speed up that process."