Bad Boy Playground (h.s)

twentytwo

mood ring

H.
{you wanna grab dinner babydoll?}

H.
{or I can pick up something and we can watch movies?}

H.
{... are you going to text me back?}

H.
{did I do something?}

H.
{I'm sorry for whatever I did}

H.
{I didn't mean to do it I was being stupid}

H.
{pls text me back peach}

3 missed calls from H.

It's amazing how interesting your bedroom ceiling becomes when you're lost in thought.

Isn't it odd how you paint the walls in your room but never the ceiling, it stays white. You never think of it unless you're staring at it but it's almost like it's incomplete. Like they forgot to paint it and you're living in an opened ended room.

I'm sure that doesn't make sense, it's just meaningless thoughts that keep my mind busy so I don't think about the hole in my chest.

Also my fan is shaking quite aggressively and the thoughts of it unscrewing and smashing my head in isn't that appalling.

It's that same feeling that you get when driving your car, you think for a half second what it would be like to just swerve into the oncoming traffic. What would happen? Would your car be totaled and your brains splattered across the dashboard? Who would find you once you've died? Who would care that you've died?

I'm not sure if everyone has that slight urge to wreck their car or maybe I'm just depressed, but ever since I started driving I always wondered what if.

I've also dismissed it right away but lately the thoughts linger.

Like my thoughts about my ceiling fan and what exactly is holding it up because it does look to be on its last string of life.

I wouldn't want to die in my bedroom though, I mean who would want to burden their parents with finding their body?

Again, is it normal to think like this?

I use to write all my undesired thoughts in my prayer journal but I haven't touched that in over a year. I think because when I do something I'm not supposed to, if it's sinning or not, I push God away because I don't want him seeing me like that. Or her. Maybe God is a woman, I don't know. It doesn't much matter to me. Actually God's probably genderless because they're like a ball of light or something. What shape does God take? Do they look like Jesus? Do they even have a body? I have no idea. I usually picture them as a dude though, it's just want I'm comfortable with I guess.

I can't think straight for two seconds.

My minds a mess and every passing minute I'm thinking about something completely different than I was the minute before.

Is it too bold of me to think about such deep things?

If my thoughts weren't bad enough, today's the day of Montes first doctors appointment. She's asked me to go with her and of course I said I would. Liam's no where to be found so someone needs to be there for her and she's my best friend.

The only problem is I haven't left my bed all weekend.

I felt like punishing myself, so I'm wearing my nirvana sweatshirt that I was wearing when Harry and I buried Ryan. His body still hasn't been found and the police have no leads that I'm aware of but this couldn't have happened at a worse time. The police are all over Harry because of his attempted murder and then there's Father John... Right now just is a horrible time to get reminded of the boy buried in the woods.