Heart's Content

Part Sixty-One

{'Juliette' by John White Alexander from Wikimedia Commons}

It was nearly impossible for Lisette to resume her day after her encounter with Nathaniel and she longed for the night when she could be alone. As night fell, however, her eagerness for it to arrive devolved into an impatience for the morning's return. She had taken for granted the minor activities that had taken up her day, keeping her thoughts occupied whenever they became diverted. At night she had nothing but her thoughts, and found it difficult to reconcile her continued belief that Genevieve was still alive with the idea that she actually wasn't. She had seen Genevieve aboard the lifeboat and had no reason to believe that she hadn't lived since there was no one to tell her otherwise.

That steady resolve had failed her in light of what was true. She had had confidence that if she had survived, it was likely that many others had, but it didn't matter. Nathaniel had affirmed that. Genevieve was a delicate soul. She had struggled with seasickness on The Gallant, she had survived a tragedy as a child that took its physical toll on her -- Lisette couldn't deny that perhaps her body just couldn't stand the added strain of being shipwrecked and having to survive on a small life craft without water nor food and exposed to the elements.

The whole idea of Genevieve's suffering made Lisette furious, though with whom it was difficult to say. As easy as it was to blame Nathaniel for Genevieve's fate, it was just as easy to blame herself and as she paced her room in her nightclothes, it was equally as easy for her to blame God for their misfortune. Her bouts of anger were easily replaced by fits of despair accompanied by stifled sobs which poured into her pillow and those fits were just as easily replaced by phases of disbelief. In those moments of disbelief, Nathaniel's arrival in Lor felt as though it had just been a dream, the reality of his words seeming to have been delivered in a fog of sleep and at the time she almost convinced herself that was true only to inevitably realize that it wasn't and return to the throes of her sorrow.

Lisette's fitful night made it difficult for her to rise the next morning and it was Adelaide's small face and sweet voice which finally woke her. With Genevieve gone, Lisette's future was uncertain and the plan she had laid out revolving around their reuniting became obsolete. She had no answers as to what she should do next because there was nothing to guide her, but seeing little Adelaide's face before her own, her dark brown eyes filled with concern in the morning light, Lisette realized that even though the future she desired was out of reach, the guide she needed was right in front of her. She was still needed and her heart warmed painfully as she sat up and hugged Adelaide to her, thanking her for coming to wake her.

Although she resolved to remain with Adelaide for the foreseeable future, setting aside her thoughts of Genevieve wasn't easily done and throughout her day a portion of her attention was driven back to those memories and dreams. It was difficult for her to consider her life from then on without the hope of seeing Genevieve again, without the anticipation of potentially sleeping beside her and waking up with her each morning. Without these dreams of an eventual reality, she was disheartened, but she knew that she couldn't collapse beneath the hopelessness she was now heavily burdened by. Genevieve wouldn't want that for her anymore than Lisette would have wanted her to be hindered by the weight of her own loss had she been the one to perish. The idea of what Genevieve's own wishes for her might have been, equipped her with a stronger resolve to live for the both of them and she was certain that Genevieve would have wanted nothing more than to be there for a lonely little girl who needed companionship more than anything else.

She was somber, and her energy was low but she did her best not to let it show, primarily for Adelaide's sake. The little girl was so attached to her and saw her as more than only her governess and since they were always together she was very capable of intuiting changes in her moods. As dim as it was to think of, the idea that Genevieve watched over them lightened Lisette's mood just slightly and she did her best to keep the air around her clear of any sorrow that might affect her charge.