Heart's Content

Part Twenty-Two

{'Avenue of Trees by a Stream' by Theodor von Hörmann from Wikimedia Commons}

For months Sabien wrestled with his feelings over the engagement. In his heart he knew that he didn't want to marry Genevieve, that he was betraying her and his own feelings by doing so and he knew that it was all for selfish reasons. He tried to tell himself that he had made the choice to forsake Ellory in order to keep his relationship with his parents but he knew that wasn't the only reason. He didn't want to end up destitute and relying on Ellory and her family for aid when his family disowned him for choosing her over Genevieve. What kind of man would he be if he couldn't care for the woman he loved by his own means or provide for his family without the aid of hers?

In the small hours of the morning before his day had truly begun, he tried to convince himself that his reasoning was the most logical, that it was on Ellory's behalf that he had made the decision he had and that it was the most adequate choice for their respective futures. She wouldn't have to worry for her well-being and financial comfort in the arms of someone better suited to caring for her and he would eventually find a love of sorts with Genevieve, but even though he felt that the choice he made was in everyone's best interest, his decision always plagued him.

His feelings of relentless self-doubt not only plagued him during his undistracted waking hours but they also brought him sleeplessness during the dark hours of solitude the night brought to him and the only thing he found that could even remotely assuage these somber moods was to pen letters to Ellory. He talked to her about their past, the future they had planned, and everything that was happening in the present, but in the end the only thing the letters served was to temporarily alleviate his agitation. He didn't dare send them, how could he accurately transcribe how he was feeling? What he was thinking? Would Ellory even open them when she received them or would they be returned as though they had never been received? As much as he might want to send the letters to her, he couldn't really see what good it could possibly do to reiterate his feelings to her, to express to her how his heart pined for her and that his soul longed to be with her and never part from her side again -- he would only be hurting them each more by continuing to breath life into their ill-fated love.

In the end, Sabien burned every letter nearly as soon as it had been written. Burning them was of course the best and only option, he couldn't rightly keep them, he didn't know what the Sembroline's staff would think if they happened upon one of his passionately written letters to the woman whom he truly loved. Even though Genevieve knew about Ellory, how would she feel knowing that even though he had agreed to marry her and treated her well, he would never actually love her, at least not the way he loved Ellory. Even thinking about the ruse made his heart ache, because in truth a ruse was what it was, he felt he was fooling Genevieve and even taking advantage of her, all for the sake of fortune and caste. The last made his head hurt and his conscience writhe beneath self-loathing, but he would eventually succumb to exhaustion and in that he would find sleep, for which he was grateful.

Even with all of his turbulent emotions and restless nights, he knew he wasn't the only one having trouble sleeping. While Lisette wasn't the one who had lost her love, she did feel as though she had forever lost a dear friend and in a way, Sabien felt that he may have lost that same aspect of Ellory. Neither of them could honestly say that they had been or would be forgiven once they returned to Alémaire and one of their biggest fears was that Ellory would never wish to see either of them again. Lisette often spoke of activities or places in Alémaire that they had visited with Ellory and sometimes Sabien wasn't sure if she was actively trying to keep from being melancholy or if she was genuinely excited about introducing Genevieve to the same things once they had married without considering the prior memories they had built with Ellory. He didn't question it either way and left Lisette to tell her stories knowing full well that they both still held out hope that Ellory would eventually forgive them.