RED REAPER - Soldiers Of Fortune [book one]

Chapter SEVEN

Lucky O'Cléirigh

It's so close..
Unbearably so..
I am almost happy, or at least I want to be..
I am on the precipice of feeling how I'm sure I should, but still that bitter reminder that I am a liar who is only pretending is always there, niggling at the back of my mind.. I am a mirror of others expectations, an emotional fraudster..

I am a fake and a failure, and my biggest fear is that soon everybody around me will see it.. Including my boyfriend.

If I don't think too hard and I force myself to forget about my omissions I can almost trick myself into believing that I am normal.. Some days I can even convince myself that what I feel when I wake up is joy..

But soon that hope curdles and sours, just as it has every time I've tried to play make believe..

I know that it is my constant lying and the tiring effort of tredding water that keep me miserable.. I know it is the inevitable sense of dread that will drown me that makes me doubt every moment of my time with Brody.

When he isnt working way too hard and we spend time together it's exhausting for me to pretend to be perfect, so much that I am growing to resent him for it.

Of course I know it isn't fair to blame him and I really do care about The Detective, so I have decided that tonight I will tell him the truth..

If Brody is going to be my boyfriend, I can't keep anything from him, I can't hide parts of myself anymore in hopes that he will fall to his knees and forget about the rest.. I have to at least try to trust him.. I have to give him that chance to prove to me that he is the man of my dreams..

I can't learn to love him if he doesn't love me back.. And he can't do that if I never give him the opportunity to really know me..

There can be no more excuses or avoiding the subject of my sexual inexperience, no more made up stories about having early meetings and ditching out early.. No more fabricating reasons to leave his house before it gets too late..

I need to be honest with him about the reasons I have avoided sex at every turn..
Because he deserves that much..

"Brody, Babe? Are you almost done here?" The sound of phones ringing and officers chatting echo around the precinct walls and I wonder how he manages to get any work done in the chaos of this place..

"Nearly, Sweetheart." He mumbles distractedly, my presence barely registering to him even though I have been waiting for over an hour now for him to finish the paperwork that he promised would only take five minutes..

Before I can stop myself a frustrated sigh leaves my lungs..

Brody stops and glances over to where I sit in the corner of his office.."Uh-oh.. That's a pissy sound if ever I heard one!"

I shake my head, feeling guilty for making him feel bad.. His job is important, I shouldn't act as though it isn't.. "No, I'm not pissy.. It's not you, Brody.. It's just-- I've been thinking-- there's something I really want to talk to you about.."

He smiles, tiredness written into the little creases around his eyes.. "Issit' about me workin' too much? I swear to yeh', Sweetheart, I jus' have to finish fillin' out these reports and then I'm all yers' fer' the night!"

I climb to my feet and trail across to the desk where I perch myself on the corner and swing my sneakers back and forth.. "It's not about that, I think it's amazing how hard you work.. Honestly.."

"Yeh' too good to be true, Angelface." He grins, standing up and leaning in to peck the end of my nose.. "I won'ee be two minutes, then we'll talk til' yeh' wee heart's content, I promise, Kay?."