Lies & Traitors

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Is Nikolai right? Do I have feelings for the Darkling? No

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Is Nikolai right? Do I have feelings for the Darkling? No... I can't fall for him. I can't. It would be traitorous to want the Darkling after he murdered Mal. Every day I feel Mal's memory slipping as his image is starting to fade from my mind. His facial features are fuzzier and each time I imagine Mal, his torso is cut in half. I want to remember the good memories of Mal, but all I hear in my head is "you did this to me. You killed me."

        A Heartrender leads me to the private dining room. The Darkling is sitting on the far end of the table, waiting for me to eat. There is a selection of steaming meats, potatoes, bread, and desserts. I sit down at the opposite side of the table and start loading my plate with small slices of bread and beef.

        I feel bad that I am eating gourmet foods while the Grisha at the Little Palace are choking down lumpy, hard biscuits and herring. Maybe I will take Amelia some food later if I can get away without being monitored.

        I notice that the Darkling looks irritated about something. I stare at him, unsure of what to say until he breaks the silence.

        "I thought I made it clear, I don't want you going down to see the traitor anymore," he says before taking a bite of mashed potatoes.

        "I don't know what you mean," I lie unconvincingly.

        His nostrils flare and his jaw clicks. "Lying plainly to my face will get you nowhere, Alina. It will only take away your privilege of having freedom and time alone." His eyes flash with anger and hostility.

        I nearly laugh in his face. Alone time. Guards follow me wherever I go to make sure I don't escape this prison disguised as a palace. I want to argue; tell him that he can't threaten what he has already taken, but then I think about Nikolai's safety. The Darkling isn't afraid to hurt him as punishment if I rebel.

        "I didn't go to see him," I mumble down at my plate.

        "I suppose the missing food from the kitchen was just because you were hungry?"

        "Maybe I was."

        He slams his fork on the table, making me jump. "Or maybe you were committing an act of treason by communicating with the prisoner." The guards at the entrance of the door have left to give us privacy and avoid the awkward fight.

        "Nikolai is starving down there! Did you think I would just leave him there to die? All I did was bring him food and water."

        "Why can't you just leave him in the cellar and forget about him." His eyes are firey and harsh. The Darkling controls the volume of his voice and exhales sharply.

        "Why? So that I can devote more of myself to you? I've given up enough for you," I retort.

        "I want all of you to be mine, but it can't be if your heart is still partially with that privileged rat in the dungeon or the dead tracker." Something shatters inside me when he mentions Mal. "I am the only one who will be here with you for the next eternity. That vermin doesn't understand the extent of your power. He will merely be dust in the next century while you and I remain young."

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