✅ My Cousin's Keeper [NaNoWriMo 2021]

15. My Need for Confirmation

"You liked the kid too," Ffrances said. It might have been a question, but she already knew what I was going to say. It must have been obvious just from seeing my wide-eyed grin in the photo she was holding. Having the time of my life, chasing a toddler through piles of leaves.

"Yeah, I did. I missed her, and not just because it was easy money. I think that was like the first time I ever felt I was being responsible, looking after a child. I'd done babysitting before, but then it was just following instructions, like it's a chore. But when John asked me to look after Tess, it was like I was in charge for an hour or two. I could make decisions, and they had to be the right ones because it affected this kid too. And I was proud of that. Made me the badass bitch I am today."

"I can see it in your face. Wishing those days had never ended. And you said... she's into this ageplay thing, right? Like, not acting her age sometimes. You wonder if it would feel as good as it did back then, and you're nervous because you're not sure. You can't know if the real world will ever live up to your nostalgia. Right?"

"Well, not quite that. But I think... maybe. When she said she was coming, I imagined we'd just pick up where we left off, and I saw her pictures. And then I realised that she's as old as I was now. I mean... her now is probably older than I was then. So I changed my expectations, thinking about having to deal with a stroppy teenager while her parents are out of the country. It wouldn't be the same, but it would still be practice for having kids of our own, right? But then I added her on FriendSpace, hoped I could reach out. And..."

"And what?"

"And she barely talked. I don't know, maybe it's not fashionable anymore, or maybe she just doesn't like typing a long conversation. She's chatty enough face to face. But she looked at my page, I know that. Gave me a bunch of upvotes on stuff I posted months back. When I saw the notifications I couldn't believe it, and then I was really looking forward to her moving in again."

"Months back? Like going through hundreds of cute cat videos and digging out the lame math puns, or vice versa? Or... oh!"

"Exactly. When I first heard about this mdlg thing, about people who chose not to grow up. People dressing up and playing like little kids, or babies even. I shared the things when I found them, asking if anyone I know has experience of it."

"I remember," she was laughing now, and I knew that had to be a good sign. "You were curious, I know that, and you decided right away that you wanted to get a little. But you were extra cagey, and you didn't want outright say you were into that stuff in case I rejected you or something. So you had like articles about it. For a couple of weeks you were posting every other day. 'Is this for real?', 'Isn't it crazy what these people are into?', 'Why is the algorithm showing me this weird stuff?' and all that. I don't think anyone was fooled. And you still never actually talked about it to me, like it's something you're ashamed of. You were pretending academic interest, right up until you said Tess would be our little."

"Hey, I was nervous. But yeah, some of that stuff. She barely commented on any of my posts. Some of the charity things I shared got an upvote, I think, but when she scrolled back to all that stuff, she voted more than half of it. Didn't say anything, probably better than me at keeping secrets. Nobody would know unless they went over my page and checked who all the votes were, and I don't think anyone she knows is going to do that. I made sure to filter those posts so her parents can't see them, just in case. But then I knew here's someone who had the same desires. That's how I knew."

"But she won't admit it? You got more in common than you thought."

"I guess I might have sounded judgmental in those posts. Now, how do I let her know it's okay without asking right out?"

"You said you had an idea."

"That I did. See that photo?" I pointed at the one in her hand again, but there was no way she could have misunderstood. "It looks like they were doing some tidying up before they sent me all this stuff. That photo was with me at uni, I remember that. But when they found it, maybe it jogged memories there too. It was taped to the top of a box, packing crate. I figure that if I tell Tess I was sorting out all the boxes I had to move out of her room, she'll understand that. And then show her the photo, and this..."

I stood up again, and turned back to the box. In the top was a pair of designer distressed jeans with the knees practically missing. They would have been an inch or two too short for me now, but I held them up anyway. I could practically see Ffrances's thoughts evolving as she looked from the outfit to the photo in her hand, and back again.

"I don't know why all this stuff was packed together. It doesn't make much sense to me. But I think we got filthy or something that day, and had to get changed. I remember they were a little mad with me, because they'd wanted me to keep the kid quiet without leaving the room. Our clothes might have been left behind at cousin Mary's house or something, and then when they got them back in this box of old mementoes, it was just stuffed in the attic for years. But however it happened, we've got a photo, and we got the clothes. Let's suggest we try to recreate the photo or something, see how much we've changed. If it's like a joke she won't feel the need to deny it. We can see how enthusiastic she is, if she's willing to join in. And that'll make it easier to talk about later. Think that's good?"

"Kind of like lying to her. But I see what you mean. She needs a reason to dress up with no possibility of guilt, and she'll see that we're laughing with her rather than at her. Yes, I think that might work."

"Can you be the one to suggest it?" I asked one more thing. "Like, you found the photo, and now you're pushing me into trying on those old clothes. See how she feels about it before we ask her to join in too. I'll say no to start with, it's probably best if she doesn't start wondering if I'm a little too. I don't think I'd enjoy that side of it, so best to come right out with it. I guess it's a way for her to show us which side she'd rather be on in her fantasies. I mean, if she's pushing me to dress up then I'll go along with it, but if she's more interested in try on her own baby clothes again, that'll confirm all my suspicions. She's said things already, but never had the courage to come right out and admit it."

I felt a little guilty about lying. I knew that Ffrances would never lie to a patient unless it was necessary for their health, but I hoped this time would be a little different. We weren't pushing anything, after all. It would just be creating a situation where Tess would be free to admit what we knew she really wanted. When she said she would think about it, I knew that everything would go perfectly and we would have our own baby to look after before too long.