✅ My Cousin's Keeper [NaNoWriMo 2021]

59. My Beautiful Assistant

"I don't think I can do it," I said. I'd given it a few minutes thought, but I really didn't want Tess to see me regress again. I'd done it the first time because it might help her to accept it if she saw someone else doing it; but I really hadn't liked feeling like a little kid. It had only ever been for show, and I needed Tess to see me as an adult. Maybe it was the best way to persuade her to take part, but if it diminished her respect at the same time it wouldn't bring her any closer to accepting me as her Mommy.

"You didn't hear the idea yet."

"I could be a baby too. But I really didn't like it. And if you know what I was like when I was her age, you wouldn't want me hanging around her when it's supposed to be a joyful time. I would have been a bad influence."

"How about me?" She raised an eyebrow, clearly expecting an answer. It took about two seconds before she realised that I was still in the dark, and that she needed to give a little more detail. "I mean, if you want to be Nice Auntie Gabby, I can be her little sister. Like last time, but the other way around. If she's still seeing this as a weird thing that's only for a small group of people, knowing that I'd be happy to try it too might help her to accept it. Do you think you'd be okay with that?"

"I can't ask you to do that," I shook my head. I could imagine Ffrances dressed up like a baby, helpless and innocent, but I didn't want those images in my mind. It was just wrong, she didn't know how degrading it could be to lose control like that. Especially for someone like her, naturally dominant in all parts of her life.

"You're not. It was my idea, and I've thought it through. It would give Tess the opportunity to find her littlespace again, and get more comfortable with it. And at the same time, I think that if I knew what it feels like, it would be easier for me to understand it. Last time it was so hard thinking how you expected me to act. If Tess is going to be our little, I need to have a better understanding of what kind of things she would enjoy."

"It's not that easy, though," I tried to explain, even though I've never been so good with these abstract concepts. "You're always in charge. You walk into the room, and I know you're the one with all the power. If you're a natural dominant, I don't think it's possible to really understand the attraction of helplessness. You can't just change roles so easily, you need to explore the side of the dynamic that fits your personality. You don't have to degrade yourself, just to understand some new activity."

"I don't see it as degrading. Didn't you say, when you were explaining what Tess told you, that it's about reclaiming a feeling of innocence? But you've got a good idea, I think. If there was someone we knew locally who might be curious about the lifestyle, it might be good for Tess. To have a second opinion telling her that there's nothing wrong with the way she feels." If there were someone around here who would try being a little just once, I was sure that would help to normalise the concept for Tess, and make it harder for her to argue against going through with it. Like Ffrances had said, she was more likely to try something new if she was doing it for someone else. I wondered how hard it would be, if I could find out a little about her friends, to trick one of them into suggesting it. I'd only need to get them curious, and then hint that Tess was interested too but ashamed to admit it.

"I think there's one other person who might have some feelings in that direction, but hasn't fully realised it yet."

"One of the neighbours?" I answered, startled. I was sure that if I'd met a little, even someone who hadn't come out to themself, I would have known about it. Or perhaps Ffrances meant someone I'd only briefly met. "Oh, you mean one of your colleagues, the receptionist maybe, what's her name? I don't know them that well, but–"

"I'm not telling you who. I respect other people's secrets, especially if they haven't realised it yet. But someone who knows both of us a little. I wondered how they would react. I wanted to know whether they would freak out if they figured out about the things we already did for Tess. So I kind of mentioned some things about different coping mechanisms that people might have for dealing with unusual stressors. Like it's an academic curiosity, the more you know kind of thing. And they didn't say anything, didn't single out one thing in particular. But you know that look, when somebody first sees something, and it's like it fits perfectly and they understand themselves in a new way. If they didn't google ageplay after I'd gone, I must be losing my skill for reading people. There's someone I know out there who's probably wondering if they're a little, even if they don't yet understand what that means. Now, I wouldn't invite them to join in something like this, because that would mean pushing them to dive in head first, when they should be taking baby steps to explore. But sooner or later, we might be able to have another little visit for an occasional playdate. If you're okay with that."

"Of course I am!" I gasped. I couldn't believe it. I did hope it was the young girl who was helping out the admin staff around Ffrances's office, because she was close enough to Tess's age that they might be able to be friends. A little positive peer pressure never hurt anyone. "But it looks like Operation: Kid at Christmas is going to be a bust."

"Don't worry." She hugged me from behind, squeezing me tight against her. "If Tess wants to be a kid at Christmas, I'm happy to do it with her. We only need to think about–"

"No," I insisted. "You're the one who makes the decisions, remember? It's great that you want to help Tess, but you don't have to sacrifice–"

"I want to," she answered, and the tone of her voice shifted just a little. "And if I'm making the decisions, why are you arguing? Now, have you thought about age-appropriate gifts for us, and the logistics for this little celebration? Because if we're doing it, we need to get it organised soon. Tess might be leaving pretty soon after the end of her classes."

There was a lot more to talk about, of course. But I knew it wasn't so important. Ffrances would never accept being submissive; she always carried herself with a distinct aura of power. But she had said we were planning something anyway, perhaps in case her mysterious friend could be persuaded to join in. I didn't think anything would come of it, but I was never going to disobey her. Not when she insisted in that voice. So I did my best to come up with something that would be fun for the little one, and also give her a subtle nudge towards her little persona. If I could get everything prepared right, get Tess to agree to hypnosis a few times in order to please others, and build the right associations when she was in littlespace, I was sure I could do it. I would be able to put her back there with a word, and cure her of all the pressure to act grown up.

But after dinner, Ffrances had to go again. She had other commitments, especially over the next week, because she was doing a course to renew one of her health board certificates. So after watching Live From Palmerston! and laughing at their antics, Tess retreated to her room and the Internet, while I went to my office and phoned John Naylor.

He was glad I'd called. He quickly explained that they hadn't fully planned what Tess was doing over the holidays. It was difficult for him to book plane tickets, because they didn't know when Tess would be free, or when it would be easiest to get to the airport. It would be so much easier to cross-reference different websites for flights, insurance, and travel to the airport if it was done by someone who was actually in this country. So when I suggested it, he said he would be happy for me to handle all the arrangements on this end, coordinating with Tess to fit in around any plans she and her friends had.

This was the gift horse I hadn't dared hope for. I would wait until she came back from school on Friday, I decided, and then offer to help her book her flights. The period immediately around Christmas was always busy, and likely to be fully booked. I estimated that the the last flights available would be the weekend after next, and an application for a tourist visa to San Lorenzo would take six to eight working days to be processed. By friday, even if we tried our hardest, it would be too late. And a little cut off from our parents at a time traditionally reserved for families would be more stressed than ever. I would offer her a chance to be little, and she would jump at it just to avoid missing her family. Maybe I could even get her to call her Mommy, after I helped her to get through the disappointment of holiday plans ruined by cruel fate.

Tess would get her little Christmas party after all. Just like we had planned, but without Ffrances or me needing to sacrifice our dignity. It would be her extra special gift to me, and she wouldn't even realise it.