✅ My Cousin's Keeper [NaNoWriMo 2021]

66. My New Theory

"I think she's been testing herself on purpose," I told Ffrances. "Did you see her fidgeting while she was talking? You ran straight to the bathroom when you came in, and you could tell just from her body language that she's bursting too. But she insisted on having that conversation first." I didn't mention that I'd told Tess to have an accident, or any of my deductions about how her subconscious was trying to make that happen. It didn't really have any bearing on my point.

"That doesn't seem like her," she said, but seemed more thoughtful. Like she was trying to solve a puzzle, wondering why, rather than challenging my statement. "Tess never struck me as a masochist. Are you sure?"

"You saw her the last few minutes, didn't you? But I don't think she was planning for the discomfort, she gave the impression she was having second thoughts. I think... I don't know if she wants this to be a secret, I don't know how it relates to everything else."

"Trust me, I won't say that you told me unless it's a real danger."

"Well, she's not admitted anything, but..." I hesitated, thinking what explanation might be best to get Ffrances on the same page. "I noticed taking the trash out this week, and the week before... and I checked the stock of Goodnites in her changing table. You know she's been wearing them every night already, even when she doesn't ask for a trigger. I was going to refill the drawer while she's away, so she's not embarrassed seeing me bring them in. Out of sight out of mind, you know?"

"Has she not been wearing them?"

"Yes. No. I mean, she has," I realised I was confusing there, but that answer would have been just as ambiguous whether the statement was true or not, so it shouldn't be a problem. It certainly didn't sound rehearsed. "But there should have been about three packs left, and she's got a lot less. I think she's been wearing them to school, maybe to get used to the idea. Maybe... it's possible she was holding it deliberately, when she knew you'd be talking the scenic route home. You said they were having pizza, so maybe she got a large drink. Pushing herself."

"Testing how long she can hold it?"

I hesitated a second before responding, and nodded towards the stairs in case Ffrances hadn't noticed. The shower was running; not quite the usual routine. I'd suspected before, but now I was sure that Tess had an accident during our conversation, and that made her feel dirty. That meant I was probably right about the number of diapers in her drawer, as well; and it was reassuring to think that her outrageous demands had just been the little one bratting. She'd intended to wet herself, so that I would have no choice but to treat her like a baby, only to chicken out when it came to admitting that it had happened.

"Or hoping she can't. If she wets herself during the day, that could be a way of showing that she wants to be babied even when she pretends she's not into it. Or she might have wanted to feel... I don't know, helpless or something. Like when you're playing that video game with the demon prince guy, you see the floor on fire and you're in the wrong place. You said that brief moment of knowing you're going to lose and there's nothing you can do about it now is the most exhilarating thing ever."

"It was Lex who said that," she corrected with a smile. "But I can sympathise."

"Right. So maybe it's the same for her. She's chasing that thrill, of the moment where it's too late to change your mind. Or she just wants to show us that she wants to be babied. Maybe the next time you reinforce her triggers, you should add one for daytime wetting. So she can do it without so much discomfort, because I get the feeling she was regretting it once we were deep into that conversation."

"Well, she did seem to be approaching it in a rather indirect way. I think we could probably have cut the conversation in the car by half if she'd had the courage to get to the point, but maybe that was deliberate. She wanted to make it seem like a real accident."

"So..."

"I'm not giving her another trigger. You know my rules: not until she asks for it. But I'll bear it in mind, something else to suggest if she's having trouble finding the nerve to say what she's after. But I don't know, it might not be a baby thing at all. She seems to be drawing a dividing line in her mind between the bedwetting and the regression play, like they're separate things."

"How do you mean?" I asked, and waited for the answer. In the past, I'd said something like that when hoping Ffrances would deduce something from the clues I'd laid out for her, but this time I genuinely didn't know what she was implying.

"Like, she enjoys having a loss of control. That's one of the things she said to me, that she's still curious about why it feels good to not have the choice. That would explain why she would deliberately push herself to the point of desperation rather than simply choosing to use a diaper. Although I agree that continuing on this path might lead to health problems in the future. If you see anything to suggest she's doing this again, please let me know and I'll talk to her about it."

I nodded, and reassured her that I would consult with her before talking to Tess about this. At the same time, my brain was rushing to work out the best way to convince her that the baby wanted to start wetting herself during the day. If Ffrances would accept that this was intentional, she might even help me by triggering Tess sometimes, if she wasn't clear about which trigger she wanted. I'd seen that happen in the evenings, and Tess never seemed to notice. I did suspect that having Ffrances make her have an accident when she asked not to, while I gave her what she asked for and only caused accidents when she hadn't said anything, might make it easier for her to trust me even if she didn't consciously know why.

One idea came to mind while Ffrances was eating; and I thought it could only go well. If Tess were to take diuretics secretly without us knowing, and then spent a couple of hours squirming but refusing to use the bathroom until she had an accident, I was sure Ffrances would be convinced that she needed to take away the girl's bladder control. And there was much less chance of her sticking to her insistence about it being Tess's choice what happened to her; she wouldn't let the little hurt herself just because she wanted to. And while it was unlikely Tess would go along with that exact scenario, I was sure I could see a way to make it look like that was what had happened. It would be after Christmas now, probably once she had started school again, but I could be a little more patient.

For the next half hour, we went over plans again, and I asked what they had talked about on the way home. There was something there, not just the rules, but Ffrances thought it wouldn't be appropriate to tell me. Tess had specifically asked her not to. But she did say that she was intending to add something else; a change so that we could choose whether or not Tess remembered being triggered. I knew from my own experience that would lead to two very different kinds of fun; the feeling of complete helplessness in the face of authority, against the shame of not even realising what I was doing. I knew which one was more appropriate for a little, but I didn't say that.

"Of course," Ffrances added with a smile, "with what we just discussed, I think that idea might have been a lot more interesting to Tess than I realised. We will have to learn to understand when it's appropriate to use each form." I nodded, thinking about how I could use that. About how best to convince Tess that she was better off as a helpless little, never knowing when she was going to lose control. We were sitting in front of the television now, catching up with the episodes of Live From Palmerston! and Crazy Magnet that she had missed thanks to her course. But we were hardly paying attention; we had too much to talk about. Just like when we first got together, and there seemed like an infinity of topics we had yet to learn each other's opinions on.